Feb 14, 2012


Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

T h e R a v e n
By Edgar Allan Poe,
by way of Ulli Lommel

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
I, not thinking, brought back
The Raven from the movie store.
While I watched, I wished for napping,
to save me from this horrid crapping,
As Ulli Lommel's vicious trapping
made me feel like his dirty whore.
"Tis god awful," I muttered, "this movie I abhor-
I wish I had rented something more."
Ah, distinctly I remember,
this would have offended famous Edgar,
as he clawed the lid of his coffin,
deep below the graveyard floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;
nothing's brought me greater sorrow,
had I just been somewhat stronger,
I'd've thrown this out the door...
Perhaps shook it off and ascended to the store,
but I stayed for Ulli's hellish tour.
What this movie was about, I can't be certain,
It filled me with boredom-
a boredom I'd never felt before.
An hour's time, the cast sat eating--
and only talking, ain't that cheating?
With nary a reference to Edgar Poe,
what was this movie made for?
If not to honor a genius,
why suffer through this chore?
This it is, and nothing more.
"Damn this movie's scent of farting!
Damn it all!" I shrieked upstarting-
"This movie doth much offend me,
I wish to hear me snore!
Does Ulli think my brain is broken,
perhaps a boob who is soft-spoken,
As to not see in this 1800's sequence
a very modern bedroom door?"
I pressed fast forward; the movie soared,
thought of watching; held it more.
Qouth the Raven – "I'm a bore."
And The Raven, so unfitting,
please leave sitting, PLEASE leave sitting,
It can't bore you if it stays unseen,
sitting in the movie store.
Late at night, it haunts my dreaming,
I even sometimes wake up screaming,
And shake away haunts of Ulli's movie,
filled with nothing but corny gore.
Nightly I pray o'er us all,
my knees tucked 'neath me on the floor,
I pray to God that no luckless soul ever lift
The Raven from the movie store.
Quoth the Raven – 'I'm a snore.'
Tim Burton was glad he was able to bond with Jack Nicholson,
even if it was over their stupid '80s punk hair.

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