Sep 19, 2013

SHITTY FLICKS: MUTANT HUNT

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant, camp-girl penis. 

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.


I don't like much of anything in this world. I suppose that would label me "pretty fucking bitter." But there are some things out there I do like. Horror films, for instance. And robots. And bad wigs. And exploding heads. And the '80s. But oh, boy...give me all of those things at once? That's like thirty birthdays.

And Mutant Hunt, a robot-, bad-wigs-, and exploding-head-having film from the '80s has given me the greatest gift of all: its existence.

Let me tell you something about Mutant Hunt. It has LASERS. LOOK OUT.

Mutant Hunt wastes no time in establishing one very essential component crucial to its plot: robots are fucking scary and dangerous.

"Total carnage. Uncontrolled fury," says Z, the guy who created all the bots. "What more could anyone ask?" (The guy in the leather catcher's chest pad always knows the drill.)

So much happens in the first five minutes that you'll already be confused. All I know is, if it's wearing sunglasses and looks like Kim Jong Un, it's a robot, and if it looks like Cher, I think it's a robot. There are also robot caste systems. They have maintenance robots that clean up the dead robots, and then go home to their robot caves and log onto the Facebook for "The Other 99% (of Robots)" and get into an argument with someone in the comments and accidentally type "your" when they should have said "you're."

Director Tim Kincaid has crafted an ultra-realistic and bleak view of the future, in which people for the most part still go on with their lives, except for the robots, who wander around and just murder human beings. There's also a drug on the streets called euphoron, which is like the same thing as our current drugs, only it's futuristic, ya know?

Head Scientist Guy and his sister, Head Scientist Guy's Sister, attempt to figure out under what circumstances the newest line of robots the Delta-Sevens escaped. Head Scientist Guy calls Matt Riker, a well-known tighty-whities-wearing bounty hunter, and the only fella who can take on robots, but there is no answer. And then Head Scientist Guy is taken prisoner by Robot Leader's robot minions, but his sister escapes. Really, Mutant Hunt is like if Blade Runner had been beaten savagely in the brain with a hammer.

Riker. Bounty hunter. Hunk. Wears briefs. Sometimes unable to focus.

Head Scientist Guy's Sister runs directly into his apartment screaming about robots...with two robots on her tail. It's a good thing Riker is wearing his magical underwear, because he dispatches these two robots in his signature style: slowly, and with only a mild amount of awkwardness. 

Head Scientist Guy's Sister watches all of this unfold with a bored look on her face, and with no intention of even attempting to offer some assistance. She looks upon the robot's ruined bodies on the floor and remarks, "They're not human," as she seems completely uninvolved in her own movie.

Then ANOTHER robot enters, who immediately throws Riker's girlfriend (?) out a window. But it's cool, though she was a robot, too. ("A pleasure droid.")

This leads to another glorious fight, only this time Riker has pants on, so by default it simply could never be AS transcendent.

Yo, I wasn't lying about the lasers. Smell ya later, ROBOT!

Later, at Club Inferno, the camera spends way too much time watching a chick dance on stage wearing a unitard, because this was the '80s and the filmmakers were legally obligated to include an awkward and too-long dance number. But THEN she kicks some random dudes' asses, and we find out she's not just a funky dancer, but also a bounty hunter (just like Riker!!!!!!!!!!).

Riker and his team of bounty hunters, including Johnny Felix and That Other Girl, will battle the forces of robot evil, while leaving one of these random robots to melt on the floor of Riker's apartment.

With Head Scientist Guy still in captivity, and following Riker's promise to free him as soon as humanly possible, Riker nails That Other Girl pretty much immediately. With some boobs out, and his junk rubbing against his underoos, the two make futuristic '80s love with all the passion of a Stefan Urkel dance number. 

"This club's not weird at all!"

Whoa, no time for love, Riker! Seeing the Rikersignal up in the sky (a pair of white men's underwear), he takes to the streets to defend the innocent! Scarface, one of the escaped robots, begins karate chopping human civilians like there's no tomorrow and rips off their heads!

"You sure look ugly, cyborg," Riker says, not at all upset about the freshly decapitated girl. The two then fight, and after being body-slammed against a building fifteen times, the robot succumbs to Riker's fury. And even though Riker should know better, he leaves the massacred robot behind, allowing its limbs to crawl away into the realistic and intelligently realized futuristic night.

Riker is caught off guard by a robot and is taken prisoner, where he meets Domina, aka the Cher-lookin' gal who I think is a robot, still. She certainly acts like one, but...you know... Apparently an explosive device is implanted in Riker's head to leave him at the whim of the robot race. "I trust you," he says to Domina for some reason and then smashes her in the face, leaving her to wonder if she believes in life after love.

Head bomb or not, Riker will not be deterred.

Back in Riker's apartment, that melting robot decides to live again...unbeknownst to Head Scientist Guy's Sister (still don't know her real name), who is busy lathering herself in the shower and sniffing ALL of Riker's white underwear (when we're not looking). The robot eats...something...something that came out of his body, I think...and then attacks her. But wait!

"Don't...be...frightened," pleads the robot. "I can't harm you now." 

The robot goes on to say a LOT of stuff, and while I can only understand some of it, it's ALL squishy sounding. Then he grabs Head Scientist Guy's Sister and takes off with her down the road, whistling a happy tune and naming all of their future children in his head.

Mutant Hunt deploys a masterful ruse upon its audience, not once, not thrice, but multiple times. Using its enrapturing plot to its benefit, Mutant Hunt will have members of its cast of characters just vanish for long periods of time, so when they reappear, you will say, "Oh yeahhhhh."

Speaking of, Riker and Johnny show up outside Inteltrax, the building where all the robots are being built, I guess. After struggling to concoct a way inside, Squish Mouth Robot shows up, offers them a way inside, and then flicks his weird tongue around for several minutes, making everyone within a ten-square-mile radius of this film feel extremely uncomfortable.

With our heroes now having breached the impenetrable fortress that contains literally no barriers whatsoever, Riker, Johnny, and Squish Mouth Robot exhibit their justice the only way they know how: Molotov cocktails!

Inside, Domina unveils her finest creation yet: another robot. She takes off her shirt, rubs her boobs against its back, and moans. Then she puts her shirt back on and orders a minion to bring her creation a uniform.

Boy, this future sure is wacky!

(cheap Arnold Schwarzenegger/Terminator 9 joke)

Squish Mouth Robot, who has since become aware, attacks Z...by pushing him down. Z doesn't get back up because people in the future are really fragile.

But wait! The danger isn't over! Domina's creation a Delta-Eight attacks them all with his dripping goo face. Because it's the future, we're supposed to assume that the Delta-Eight is fucking unstoppable, but in moviespeak, really it's just fatter than the previous model.

"Party time, Felix?" Riker asks his partner.

"What?!" Felix responds, I swear in a completely different room where his close-ups were shot that day.

Riker and That Other Girl (who was there the whole time, BT-dubs), fight the Delta-Eight while Felix fucking seriously sits there with his arms folded, not at all intending to help, but then he gets caught up with a couple robots of his own, so he realizes he's not getting out of this without some robot fisticuff action. These robots taste the bottom of Felix's gigantic white sneakers as he kicks the goo off their faces and the circuits out of their robot bodies all while the 20-second musical score plays on a loop.

With Riker about to meet his maker at the hands of the Delta-Eight, and while Felix is doing...something else...Head Scientist Guy's Sister saves the day with a laser gun. (These lasers are pretty accommodating they can stop robots, cause fires, or, you know, whatever the script falls for.)

Mutant Hunt ends with a little girl becoming best friends with a paraplegic robot while she is playing in an alley, which I believe is the same ending as Pride & Prejudice.

"Miss? I ordered the salmon."

Full Moon has pulled out all the stops with this flawless DVD release. Captured dynamically in 4:3 full frame aspect ratio, and remastered by the two finest VCRs hooked up to each other that 1997 had to offer, Mutant Hunt hasn't looked this good since it ran on the UPN at two in the morning before all the Clapper commercials. Sure, you could watch this for free if you're a Netflix Instant subscriber, but not if you're me. Mutant Hunt sits proudly on my shelf. Probably because I have the mind of a ten-year-old boy savagely beaten with a hammer.

Fun, Out-of-Context Quotes:
  • "Why would you want to get a robot HIGH?"
  • "Mutants. Psychosexual killers."
  • "I hate it when MEN save me."
  • "Don't get me steamed, cyborg."
  • "How do I get this bomb out of my head?"

Sep 17, 2013

AN EXORCISM


... Why are you still here?

Because I still have something to say.


Tell me the whole truth in the name
of the trinity...



Because I still have something to say.

Then speak the truth!


By her command, she can compel me... She.

The most Blessed Virgin, mm?


Yes.


Yes.
Then she shall compel you to speak the truth.



She, she, she, she treads on me, she...

Mary, the most Blessed Virgin.
She compels you to speak what she would
like to say to us.


You bastard.

The most Blessed Virgin compels you to
speak what she will say to us...



I will create,
I will also still create disorder,
you dirty pig.

The most Blessed Virgin would like to
command you to tell us what she would
like to say to us.



That sow, Anne(liese Michel),
she must go back up to that other one with
that whole mess of shit,
that, that, that, that...

In the name of the most Blessed Virgin,
speak the truth!



Yes! Yes!!

We will do that.


So that that sow up there will understand.
The one from Wuerzburg.
But he won't do anything. No!

The most Blessed Virgin will help him.
The most Blessed Virgin will help him.
The most Blessed Virgin will help him.



And the priests must be recognizable as priests,
namely not only with.... And indeed proper.

Proper. Not only with an invisible
emblem/insignia, yes?



Yes!
They must clearly be recognizable as priests!

That everyone knows?


Yes!
And the bastards, they, they, they also don't do that,
they come every time [wearing their] pretty suits.
That pleases me to no end.
You bastard you,
I can't tell you at all how much that pleases me to no end.

Yes.
Why does that please you so?



Why? I won't say!

What do you make of that?
I command you to say everything you want to tell us.



If they were to run around namely in their shitsuits,
then, then, then, then..... Forget it..

Then? In the name of the most blessed virgin,
speak the whole truth! In the name of the most
Blessed Virgin Mmary, speak the whole truth.
Tell everything you...



Yes, then,
then we wouldn't have so much power over the bastards,
because we .... Forget it.

Because we? ... In the name of the most...


That snot-nosed brat has already told him everything,
that that shit, that... That asshole.

In the name of the most blessed Virgin Mary...


The brat, that bitch,
she babbles everything,
that asshole!
Oh, I'll squelch her yet, the asshole.
Now she's getting a grip from that shit [of his]....
Forget it, she's mine.


Read the entire transcription of the exorcism of Anneliese Michel.

Sep 15, 2013

CRAPPYPASTA: DYLAN

Dylan Darksman. A friend, a son, and a demon. Three friends, that’s all it took. One was a stealer. One stole his heart, and kept it. One was a backstabber.

He had enough. He was bullied, and was sick to the mind. Doctors tried, therapists wondered, but no help for the boy. So in order to make him “happy” he went to the senior prom. He gave each a last chance. They blew it. He killed himself, in front of everyone. Everyone is forgiven? No. Satin convinced him. Who said the devil wasn’t sly? As an angel, you’re not that sweet. Dylan marked each with HELL. He had the H. Christi, the heart stealer, was marked with E. Jade, backstabber, was marked with L. And Drake, stealer, got the other L.

The Marks of Death.

Jade
4:34 Am. She woke up to the sound of a crash. Being her curious self, she went downstairs. A faint snicker ran across the room. Her parents left to work. Being 19 she knew how to take care of herself. A figure appeared in the kitchen. She jumped in surprise. “Hey buddy.” She knew the voice. Dylan. Large black wings extended from his back. “W-why..?” In an instant he was in her face. He grabbed her face. “I’ll make it quick.” He said in a whisper. He kissed her, and she fell to the ground. Ever heard of the kiss of death?

Christi
“Oh my god, I’m so wasted!” She cried waddling next to her friend. The music was pounding loud. With her fake ID and beauty she got herself Anywhere. 4:44 am. “Yo, I gotta go to the bathroom, don’t, don’t go,” she said. She went to the bathroom, but on her way, a man made her hold it. He gave her the look, and right then they were kissing. “Come with me,” he whispered in her ear. They left the club and entered in his convertible. “This is soo crazy!” She laughed. She turned to the guy. But it wasn’t him. Dylan locked both doors. Christi screamed, and looked back, facing a gun. “You know I sorta liked you, but you’re a terrible kisser.” He pulled the trigger. He drove and stopped by the edge of the cliff. He pushed the car with Christi and the car plummeted down 80 feet into the shark infested water.

One night stand.

Drake
4:54 am. Drake became paranoid after Dylan’s death. He knew he was coming. He believed in evil and what it can do. Dylan being dead, he can do anything. Which counts taking over one’s mind. So with Drake, he entered his mind. They were buddies since Pre-K. But Drake meant nothing to him. He wanted to destroy Drake from the beginning. Drake was better than him at everything. He controlled Drake’s mind. He went into the bathroom, and grabbed as many pills as he can. He forced to gobble down every single one. It was a No- brainier if you will.

So Dylan got his revenge. That is all he wanted, but you can not escape the Devil’s power. So now Dylan will be forever a spawn of evil. A death angel. A monster.

Dylan ofcourse got payback. He will help anybody with the same desire.

Go to your bathroom, out your hand on the mirror. Turn off the lights. Leave one candle to show respect for the dead. And then chant these lines.

Oh! Dylan! May you show yourself for have I have the same desire to destroy those who did wrong to me!

Do Not Stutter, he hated that. He would also kill you if you do.

Turn on the lights and he will be there, in black. Curly red hair. A piercing on his cheek and one wing extended. He also has the lip stain that Christi has given him.

If he is not there, well…. Good luck and I will pray for your soul…little demon.



You better get used to seeing these here. Crappypasta is my new favorite thing.

Sep 13, 2013

A VISIT TO HELL

Clifford Hoyt, age 31, suffered serious injuries in an automobile accident in 1999. After he regained consciousness, he told a terrified nurse that he had died and visited Hell.

He expounded on the tortures and anguish he experienced in frightening detail. He refused psychological treatment and was released.

Several weeks later, Hoyt’s neighbors complained to their landlord that strange music was playing in his apartment at all hours of the night. Upon investigating, the building’s owner found Clifford in this condition.

Mr. Hoyt was still quite lucid and protested when the landlord attempted to call the police. Concerned for the damage done to his property, he took photographs of the apartment; the image below is an example.

He left and contacted Mr. Hoyt’s family, who contacted authorities.
Clifford claimed that demons from Hell were still trying to capture him. He explained that his body would burn incessantly unless he played music to scare the demons away. He would only leave the house for short periods of time to get minimal supplies, including large blocks of ice to soothe the burning he felt as he tried to sleep.

Doctors attribute Clifford’s actions to brain damage suffered in the accident. He currently resides in a mental rehabilitation facility in Maryland.