VINCENT DJORKAEFF

© Vincent Djorkaeff

TEOS RECOMMENDS: FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY

 

I'm just gonna come out and say it: Frankenstein's Army doesn't really have that much of a plot. And since it wants to involve the mythos of the Frankenstein legacy (which, by now, has become almost a genre unto itself), then you could argue it has even less of a plot.

I think the filmmakers kinda know what, which is why they went the extra mile in creating some absolutely jaw-dropping creatures to fill those damned bunker tunnels and maze-like corridors.

But fine, okay: the "plot."

A group of Russian soldiers, in the midst of World War II, traverse the German wilderness to root out and extinguish the Nazi threat. While doing so, they stumble across a decrepit village that no longer seems inhabited. However, below one of the many buildings in this village awaits a threat more monstrous than the world has ever known before. 

And because the soldiers are filming this journey for some reason, you get to experience it all first-hand. 

That's primarily it for your plot, but like I said: the plot is inconsequential. It is the equivalent of, "I've got this camera. Oh, what's that?" (Monsters.)

Every once in a while, that's simply okay. Sometimes we would rather just have a fun, spookhouse environment where things literally leap into corridors and thrill us with their imaginative and completely wild appearance. And that's what Frankenstein's Army is, really. It's a filmified version of any haunted hayride or Halloween walk-through you've ever visited. You walk around, you see creepy things, the things get progressively creepier, and you get hammy acting all over your sweater.

Speaking of the acting, it's good enough to not make you say, "The acting in this fucking sucks." And the use of the camera is certainly serviceable, though I am curious about the choice to go with the found footage aesthetic, considering the film is a period piece. Though they make an attempt at first to add "camera whirring" sound effects and some light old-timey grain, after a while both of those ideas are dropped, and we're left with some pretty impressive crystal-clear footage...ya know, for the mid-1940s. And even from an artistic standpoint, the found footage angle doesn't add all that much, anyway. It's still more than possible to achieve that kind of "you're really there" feeling without succumbing to the newest Hollywood gimmick. (See Alfonso Cuarón's Children of Men as proof.)

But why we're really here is for what's promised by the title: we want to be surrounded by a group of walking, drooling, shrieking experiments. And that we are!

The production design and special effects/make-up teams should be universally applauded for their wicked and wild creations. They are something straight out of a nightmare, dripping with steampunk inspirations with a twist of Nazi madness. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are the only reason to watch Frankenstein's Army, but if they were not made the front and center of the action, my argument to convince you to watch otherwise would not be nearly as exuberant. I fully admit that Karel Roden (quickly becoming one of my favorite character actors) turns out an incredibly fun and insane performance as Viktor Frankenstein, grandson of the original grave-digging and monster making mad scientist, but for real y'all, here are your reasons to watch:

So do it. If enough of you do, maybe they'll make House of Frankenstein's Army.

I'd be all over that.

HAPPY EQUINOX

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

Image source.

TRAIL CAM

A photograph was recently sent in to a Baton Rouge, Louisiana news station and has many people talking since it first appeared last week. The photo was allegedly taken by a trail cam and is, in a word, disturbing. And if you think the photo itself is creepy, wait until you hear about the circumstances behind its discovery. 

When NBC Affiliate NBC33 asked its viewers to send in their photographs, they were expecting to get a few strange holiday pictures, but nothing like the incredibly bizarre trailcam photograph they received depicting a horrific monster stalking the night in an undisclosed location and sent in by an anonymous viewer. The viewer included a note detailing the circumstances behind the image's discovery alongside the picture. According to the sender, the picture was taken by a trailcam originally set up to take photos of wild game on the premises. But then when they discovered the trail cam ripped to pieces, all they could recover from it was the device's SD card. When they examined the photos taken the previous night in an attempt to discover what could have possibly destroyed the camera, they expected to see images of teenagers or hunters poaching their land. What they discovered, was that the final image taken by the camera before it was destroyed was this strange image.

THE THING IN THE WINDOW

That thing has been there for almost a week. The figure in the window. It looks featureless - only skin on a human frame - and it's pressing itself against the glass somehow. I don't know how it got there, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

At first I thought it was a prank - a doll or mannequin that some jerks put there to scare me. But I realized as I walked out of my house to pull it away... it wasn't there. I shrugged it off, thinking that someone had hidden it while I was walking through my door. But I went back in and looked out that same window, and it was looking in, staring at me. I walked around my house, yelling for whoever it was to come out, but no one was there. The thing is hairless and naked, and it didn't look like it actually had eyes, or even a face at all. But its head is turned towards me when I enter the room. When I sit on my computer, I can feel its faceless hatred boring into my neck. But when I turn around, it's innocently turned in a different direction.

Finally on Thursday, I tried to open the window, but it's stuck. I think the thing's hands are keeping it down. But I got a good look at its face. Its eyes and mouth are behind the skin, pushing outward.

It stared at me, smiling.

I pulled back a fist and smashed it onto the glass, determined once and for all to get rid of the glaring monster. I know I’m strong enough. That glass should’ve cracked.

But it didn’t. It shuddered under my hand, but it didn’t break. And that smile just got wider and wider and wider, until I thought its head would break in half. It raised its own hand and bashed the window with its palm. It was mocking me. But I saw the faintest crack begin to appear where it had hit, and I backed away.

No way did I want that smile in the same room as me.

So I got a roll of duct tape, and I started covering the window. I couldn’t look directly at it; I nearly shit my pants just knowing it was watching me. But I couldn’t help it. I took a quick glance at that skin-covered face. A small peek.

It was angry.

That menacing grin was now a gaping frown full of teeth. The skin had ripped away from its mouth and I could see down its cavernous throat. A menacing rumble started to fill the house, and that hairline crack began to spread like splintering ice. I pulled down the duct tape. The rumble stopped, the split skin healed over, and it began to smile again.

Now it’s night, and the noise hasn’t started again. There are no sounds, no rumble, no crackling glass. Everything’s quiet now.

But I can feel its claws gripping the back of my chair. I can hear its skin stretching as it smiles.

It’s watching me type.

Story source.

SHITTY FLICKS: MUTANT HUNT

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant, camp-girl penis. 

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

I don't like much of anything in this world. I suppose that would label me "pretty fucking bitter." But there are some things out there I do like. Horror films, for instance. And robots. And bad wigs. And exploding heads. And the '80s. But oh, boy...give me all of those things at once? That's like thirty birthdays.

And Mutant Hunt, a robot-, bad-wigs-, and exploding-head-having film from the '80s has given me the greatest gift of all: its existence.

Let me tell you something about Mutant Hunt. It has LASERS. LOOK OUT.

Mutant Hunt wastes no time in establishing one very essential component crucial to its plot: robots are fucking scary and dangerous.

"Total carnage. Uncontrolled fury," says Z, the guy who created all the bots. "What more could anyone ask?" (The guy in the leather catcher's chest pad always knows the drill.)

So much happens in the first five minutes that you'll already be confused. All I know is, if it's wearing sunglasses and looks like Kim Jong Un, it's a robot, and if it looks like Cher, I think it's a robot. There are also robot caste systems. They have maintenance robots that clean up the dead robots, and then go home to their robot caves and log onto the Facebook for "The Other 99% (of Robots)" and get into an argument with someone in the comments and accidentally type "your" when they should have said "you're."

Director Tim Kincaid has crafted an ultra-realistic and bleak view of the future, in which people for the most part still go on with their lives, except for the robots, who wander around and just murder human beings. There's also a drug on the streets called euphoron, which is like the same thing as our current drugs, only it's futuristic, ya know?

Head Scientist Guy and his sister, Head Scientist Guy's Sister, attempt to figure out under what circumstances the newest line of robots — the Delta-Sevens — escaped. Head Scientist Guy calls Matt Riker, a well-known tighty-whities-wearing bounty hunter, and the only fella who can take on robots, but there is no answer. And then Head Scientist Guy is taken prisoner by Robot Leader's robot minions, but his sister escapes. Really, Mutant Hunt is like if Blade Runner had been beaten savagely in the brain with a hammer.

Riker. Bounty hunter. Hunk. Wears briefs. Sometimes unable to focus.

Head Scientist Guy's Sister runs directly into his apartment screaming about robots...with two robots on her tail. It's a good thing Riker is wearing his magical underwear, because he dispatches these two robots in his signature style: slowly, and with only a mild amount of awkwardness. 

Head Scientist Guy's Sister watches all of this unfold with a bored look on her face, and with no intention of even attempting to offer some assistance. She looks upon the robot's ruined bodies on the floor and remarks, "They're not human," as she seems completely uninvolved in her own movie.

Then ANOTHER robot enters, who immediately throws Riker's girlfriend (?) out a window. But it's cool, though — she was a robot, too. ("A pleasure droid.")

This leads to another glorious fight, only this time Riker has pants on, so by default it simply could never be AS transcendent.

Yo, I wasn't lying about the lasers. Smell ya later, ROBOT!

Later, at Club Inferno, the camera spends way too much time watching a chick dance on stage wearing a unitard, because this was the '80s and the filmmakers were legally obligated to include an awkward and too-long dance number. But THEN she kicks some random dudes' asses, and we find out she's not just a funky dancer, but also a bounty hunter (just like Riker!!!!!!!!!!).

Riker and his team of bounty hunters, including Johnny Felix and That Other Girl, will battle the forces of robot evil, while leaving one of these random robots to melt on the floor of Riker's apartment.

With Head Scientist Guy still in captivity, and following Riker's promise to free him as soon as humanly possible, Riker nails That Other Girl pretty much immediately. With some boobs out, and his junk rubbing against his underoos, the two make futuristic '80s love with all the passion of a Stefan Urkel dance number. 

"This club's not weird at all!"

Whoa, no time for love, Riker! Seeing the Rikersignal up in the sky (a pair of white men's underwear), he takes to the streets to defend the innocent! Scarface, one of the escaped robots, begins karate chopping human civilians like there's no tomorrow and rips off their heads!

"You sure look ugly, cyborg," Riker says, not at all upset about the freshly decapitated girl. The two then fight, and after being body-slammed against a building fifteen times, the robot succumbs to Riker's fury. And even though Riker should know better, he leaves the massacred robot behind, allowing its limbs to crawl away into the realistic and intelligently realized futuristic night.

Riker is caught off guard by a robot and is taken prisoner, where he meets Domina, aka the Cher-lookin' gal who I think is a robot, still. She certainly acts like one, but...you know... Apparently an explosive device is implanted in Riker's head to leave him at the whim of the robot race. "I trust you," he says to Domina for some reason and then smashes her in the face, leaving her to wonder if she believes in life after love.

Head bomb or not, Riker will not be deterred.

Back in Riker's apartment, that melting robot decides to live again...unbeknownst to Head Scientist Guy's Sister (still don't know her real name), who is busy lathering herself in the shower and sniffing ALL of Riker's white underwear (when we're not looking). The robot eats...something...something that came out of his body, I think...and then attacks her. But wait!

"Don't...be...frightened," pleads the robot. "I can't harm you now." 

The robot goes on to say a LOT of stuff, and while I can only understand some of it, it's ALL squishy sounding. Then he grabs Head Scientist Guy's Sister and takes off with her down the road, whistling a happy tune and naming all of their future children in his head.

Mutant Hunt deploys a masterful ruse upon its audience, not once, not thrice, but multiple times. Using its enrapturing plot to its benefit, Mutant Hunt will have members of its cast of characters just vanish for long periods of time, so when they reappear, you will say, "Oh yeahhhhh."

Speaking of, Riker and Johnny show up outside Inteltrax, the building where all the robots are being built, I guess. After struggling to concoct a way inside, Squish Mouth Robot shows up, offers them a way inside, and then flicks his weird tongue around for several minutes, making everyone within a ten-square-mile radius of this film feel extremely uncomfortable.

With our heroes now having breached the impenetrable fortress that contains literally no barriers whatsoever, Riker, Johnny, and Squish Mouth Robot exhibit their justice the only way they know how: Molotov cocktails!

Inside, Domina unveils her finest creation yet: another robot. She takes off her shirt, rubs her boobs against its back, and moans. Then she puts her shirt back on and orders a minion to bring her creation a uniform.

Boy, this future sure is wacky!

(cheap Arnold Schwarzenegger/Terminator 9 joke)

Squish Mouth Robot, who has since become aware, attacks Z...by pushing him down. Z doesn't get back up because people in the future are really fragile.

But wait! The danger isn't over! Domina's creation — a Delta-Eight — attacks them all with his dripping goo face. Because it's the future, we're supposed to assume that the Delta-Eight is fucking unstoppable, but in moviespeak, really it's just fatter than the previous model.

"Party time, Felix?" Riker asks his partner.

"What?!" Felix responds, I swear in a completely different room where his close-ups were shot that day.

Riker and That Other Girl (who was there the whole time, BT-dubs), fight the Delta-Eight while Felix fucking seriously sits there with his arms folded, not at all intending to help, but then he gets caught up with a couple robots of his own, so he realizes he's not getting out of this without some robot fisticuff action. These robots taste the bottom of Felix's gigantic white sneakers as he kicks the goo off their faces and the circuits out of their robot bodies — all while the 20-second musical score plays on a loop.

With Riker about to meet his maker at the hands of the Delta-Eight, and while Felix is doing...something else...Head Scientist Guy's Sister saves the day with a laser gun. (These lasers are pretty accommodating — they can stop robots, cause fires, or, you know, whatever the script falls for.)

Mutant Hunt ends with a little girl becoming best friends with a paraplegic robot while she is playing in an alley, which I believe is the same ending as Pride & Prejudice.

"Miss? I ordered the salmon."

Full Moon has pulled out all the stops with this flawless DVD release. Captured dynamically in 4:3 full frame aspect ratio, and remastered by the two finest VCRs hooked up to each other that 1997 had to offer, Mutant Hunt hasn't looked this good since it ran on the UPN at two in the morning before all the Clapper commercials. Sure, you could watch this for free if you're a Netflix Instant subscriber, but not if you're me. Mutant Hunt sits proudly on my shelf. Probably because I have the mind of a ten-year-old boy savagely beaten with a hammer.

Fun, Out-of-Context Quotes:

• "Why would you want to get a robot HIGH?"
• "Mutants. Psychosexual killers."
• "I hate it when MEN save me."
• "Don't get me steamed, cyborg."
• "How do I get this bomb out of my head?"

HEY, KNOW WHAT'S A REAL MOVIE?