LEVITY

CREEP

My story happened almost a year ago. We had recently finished building our new conservatory onto the back of the house. You're able to look straight into it from both the dining room and kitchen, except at night when the curtains in the dining room are pulled over, leaving only the kitchen.

So...I'm an incredibly bad sleeper, which usually means that I stay up at night on the computer long after everyone else has went to bed. Well anyway, it's about 5:20 in the morning and I decided to switch the computer off and hit the hay. Before I did that, however, I decided to get a glass of water from the kitchen. The house was pitch black by this stage.

As I filled my water I turned my head and looked in the conservatory, at which point I noticed there was someone sitting in there. It would have been impossible for someone to get in; I locked the exit and entrance earlier that night. It couldn't have been my reflection in the glass; this guy looked nothing like me. He had short and tidy hair, thick rimmed glasses, buttoned up shirt and was glowing white. The worst thing of all was how he was positioned. He was sitting down on one of the new chairs, back straight, hands on his legs, all the while staring at the locked door, almost as if he was waiting for me to let him in the house.

I sat the water down and ran for my room at the top of the house. I decided I was going to stay up for awhile with the light on and just turn it off when it got bright outside. So, I'm lying in bed when suddenly the light switches itself off.

Story source.

Image source.

R.I.P. DAVID R. ELLIS

David R. Ellis, who called schlock entertainment his playground, has died at age 60. At this time, there is no official cause.

He never would have won an Oscar, but he did give us hands-down the best installment of the Final Destination franchise, Final Destination 2, as well as Snakes on a Plane, Shark Night 3D, and...Homeward Bound 2. (For real.)

The man proved he was usually in on the joke and never turned his nose down on the more low-brow projects on which he worked. And allowing Samuel L. Jackson to bellow his infamous line from Snakes on a Plane, which was born not during the scripting stage but rather much earlier on the Internet, courtesy of fan boy enthusiasm, proved he was a class act. It wasn't enough that he willingly took on the project and had fun with the outlandish concept, but because SOAP was a fan-driven project, it was his way of letting the fans have a more-than-usual level of input.

R.I.P., good sir. I'll watch FD2 in your honor.

SEA OF TREES

Called "the perfect place to die," the Aokigahara forest has the unfortunate distinction as the world's second most popular place to take one's life.

Japanese spiritualists believe that the suicides committed in the forest have permeated Aokigahara's trees, generating paranormal activity and preventing many who enter from escaping the forest's depths. Complicating matters further is the common experience of compasses being rendered useless by the rich deposits of magnetic iron in the area's volcanic soil.

Due to the vastness of the forest, desperate visitors are unlikely to encounter anyone once inside the so-called "Sea of Trees," so the police have mounted signs reading "Your life is a precious gift from your parents," and "Please consult the police before you decide to die!" on trees throughout.

Locals say they can easily spot the three types of visitors to the forest: trekkers interested in scenic vistas of Mount Fuji, the curious hoping for a glimpse of the macabre, and those souls who don’t plan on returning.

The forest workers have it even worse than the police. The workers must carry the bodies down from the forest to the local station, where the bodies are put in a special room used specifically to house suicide corpses. The forest workers then play jan-ken-pon — which English-speakers call rock, paper, scissors — to see who has to sleep in the room with the corpse.

It is believed that if the corpse is left alone, it is very bad luck for the yurei (ghost) of the suicide victims. Their spirits are said to scream through the night, and their bodies will move on their own.

More.

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REVIEW: SNOW SHARK

I am speechless.

I am without speech.

Years ago, I saw an incredibly low budget looking trailer for a film called Snow Shark. Being the avid bad shark movie enthusiast that I am, I looked upon the trailer with glee, assuming it was just a joke.

"Ha ha! No way that's real!" etc.

Flash forward to the semi-present and I happen to catch wind of Snow Shark's impending video release.

"Ha ha! They sure are keeping that joke going!" I say to myself.

Then I'm sent a press release threatening to send me a complimentary copy.

"Ha ha! Let's do it!" I said.

And now, 80 minutes later, I don't even know what to say. What I can say...is that it was no joke. Snow Shark is a thing. A REAL thing. 

What's it about, you ask? Seriously? Is the title not enough?

Go ahead, I'll await here:

In 1999, a team of animal biologists investigating a rash of wildlife killings disappeared in the lonely woods near a small town. Years later, a local resident claims to have killed a prehistoric carnivorous creature living in the snow. Now, someone – or something – is making lunch of the locals.  

As curiosity-seekers and crypto zoologists descend on the small town, drawn by the legend of the Snow Shark, Mark - sole survivor of an earlier attack - leads an armed and dangerous posse into a deadly battle. 

Dive into Snow Shark, the outrageous and spine-tingling tale of the world’s greatest predator, frozen for thousands of years, freed by an earthquake, and really, really hungry.   

Reviewing a film like this is a tough order because it's clearly stupid. Everyone involved in the production knows it's stupid. Even the director knows it's stupid. The acting is...not great. The effects are...less...not great. And when I say effects, I mean a shark's fin being towed across a field by a truck, and a surplus of Final Cut Pro digital blood. 

Despite that, Snow Shark is irresistibly watchable. To watch Snow Shark is to watch an ambulance driven by a bear crash into an IHOP, which then explodes into tiny pieces of confetti shaped like middle fingers. You have never seen anything like it before, and you never will again - that is unless writer/director Sam Qualiana has a sequel in mind: Snow Shark 2: Winter is Chumming.

In Snow Shark, no one is safe. Not cryptozoologists, not fake Suicide Girls, not Santa Claus. All become shark meat, and all die gloriously.

I suppose in any review of any shark film, I have to use the J word. It's unavoidable. So let's get it out of the way.

Jaws.

Allow me to enhance:

Snow Shark is no Jaws. It is no Jaws 2. It is not even that fake Jaws 5 which remains unreleased in 99% of the universe. I feel a little weird even bringing up Jaws in the same breath as Snow Shark. It's like mentioning W.S. Maugham in a review for the latest book by that British witch who wrote all that housewife bondage Twilight fan fiction you see on the shelves at Target next to Glenn Beck and Dora the Explorer. Because the two are so disparate that not even Batman's Tumbler shooting miles from one ramp to another with a tow line could connect them.

I bring up Jaws, however, because like that landmark film, Snow Shark DOES feature: a sheriff, a biologist, a crusty shark hunter, and a mayor who refuses to do anything about his particular problem until Snow Shark swims up and bites him right on the snowsuit. (The ass part.) Oh, and shark deaths. Plenty of those.

"Mind if I masticate?"

Are there "jokes" in Snow Shark?

Not really.

Is the entire film Snow Shark a joke?

I think so. But I really have no idea.

"Promise me you'll kill that snow shark if it's the last thing you ever do!" one sister of a victim sobs.

"The demon has no soul! It only keeps me alive to feed off my pain!" another character shouts.

Hmm...

No. Still not sure.

There is no winking and/or nudging to be seen. Dear God, they are taking this seriously.

Oh, wait - someone just ordered a Cutty Shark. Does that count?

In a film with this kind of budget, which was clearly limited, am I allowed to bring up things like...the shark head we sometimes see is clearly superimposed over the snow from which it's supposed to be unearthing? Or, can I point out the handful of outdoor scenes which boast canned "windy" noises, but whose trees and brush in the background remain still and undisturbed?

How about the fact that there's a fucking real-life, honest-to-gosh shark that fucking lives in snow? Shallow, shallow snow?

There's no such thing as a "review" for Snow Shark. Not anywhere. You might think there is, but there's not. Instead, it's the scattered ramblings of someone trying to comprehend what it is they just witnessed.

How about this? I watched Snow Shark. I am still alive. I laughed quite a bit. I still cannot play the piano.

Image may not actually be from Snow Shark.

Snow Shark is terrible and amazing all at the same time. It is Hulk Hogan punching you in the face, screaming his shirt off, but then buying you a brand new car. It is eating a slice of pizza, finding a bloody band-aid inside, but your waitress, Katy Perry, giving you an apology blowjob.

Show Shark is an amalgamation of everything I adore and abhor about low budget horror.

It simply just...is.

Experience it for yourself when it hits video February 19.

DROOG

"It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen."

If we don't, remember me.

A SECOND EMILIE

The French teacher said that she was born in Dijon 32 years before she took up her post at Neuwelcke. She was fair skinned, with chestnut hair and blue eyes, and was fairly tall and slim. The pupils described her as having a sweet and lovable nature. The superintendents at her school were entirely satisfied with her work and were impressed by her gaiety, intelligence, and education.

Everything promised well for Emilie Sagee’s career at Neuwelcke - but within a few weeks of her arrival she became the focus of rumour and gossip at the school. It seemed that Emilie could be - literally - in two places at once. If she was reported to be in a particular part of the school, someone would contradict, saying, ‘Oh no, she can’t be there; I just passed her on the stairs' or in some distant corridor. Individual pupils repeated this sort of confusion time and time again, but the teachers dismissed the girls’ stories as silly mistakes.

But naturally the most excitement was caused by the rumours that followed the first appearance of the ‘double’ to a number of witnesses. Emilie Sagee was giving a lesson to Julie von Guldenstubbe and 12 other girls. The subject of the lesson varied slightly with each storyteller: for example, one suggested Emilie was energetically demonstrating a mathematical theorem on the blackboard; Julie said the lesson was French grammar. What was agreed on was that Emilie Sagee was standing with her back to the class. Suddenly, a second ‘Emilie’ materialized at Emilie Sagee’s side. The two were exactly alike and went through the same movements, synchronizing perfectly. The only difference was that the real Emilie had chalk in her hand but the fetch had none; it merely mimed the teachers actions as she wrote on the board. This story caused a great sensation at Neuwelcke, particularly as all 13 pupils in the class agreed precisely in their description of what they had seen.

In the following weeks the fetch was seen on a number of occasions. For instance it appeared at dinner, standing behind Emilie Sagee and imitating her movements as she ate. But, as in the classroom, the double’s hands were empty. On these occasions the schoolgirls were not alone in seeing Emilie’s fetch; the servants also reportedly saw the fetch behind the chair.

One of Julie’s school friends was badly frightened by the fetch. Fraulein Antonie von Wrangel was in a group invited to a local rural festivity and she was getting ready in her room. Emilie was helping her to fasten her dress. There was a mirror behind them and Antonie turned to catch a sight of two identical mademoiselles, each doing up her dress. Startled, she fainted clean away.

However, the fetch did not always mirror Emilie Sagee’s actions. Sometimes, Baroness Julie reported, it would behave quite independently. For example, the real Emilie Sagee would rise from her chair - but the double would remain seated. Antonie von Wrangel and a group of friends looked after Emilie when she was feverish with a cold. The girls took turns to read to her as she lay recovering in bed. Antonie was alone with her when she noticed the colour drain away from Emilie Sagee’s face. She was so pale she seemed about to faint, and Antonie asked if she was feeling worse.

Emilie replied with a weak and trembling voice that she was not, but her frightened look alarmed Antonie. A few moments later Antonie looked up to see the fetch walking about the room in excellent health. This time Antonie did not tell Emilie what she had seen, and when she came downstairs she immediately told the others what she had seen. On that time there was only one witness, but on the next occasion the incident was witnessed by the whole school.

This time all 42 pupils were gathered in the school hall to do their sewing and embroidery. Four french windows opened onto a corridor leading to the large garden in front of the house. The weather was fine and the girls had a clear view of the garden, where Emilie Sagee could be seen picking flowers.

The girls sat round a long table and the teacher sat at one end, supervising their work. After a little while she got up to leave them alone for some reason. Her chair did not remain empty for long however, as suddenly Emilie Sagee appeared in it. The girls turned their eyes to the garden and sure enough, there was Emilie. Although still gathering flowers, her movements were slow and languid as though - as the girls later remarked - she had suddenly been overcome with fatigue and tiredness. All the while her fetch sat silent and motionless. Although afraid, the girls were getting used to the strange phenomena and two of the boldest among them decided to take a closer look at the fetch. They approached the chair, determined to touch the apparition. Stretching out their hands they encountered a slight resistance in the air surrounding it, such as a film of muslin or crepe-de-chine might offer. One brave girl tried to pass between the chair and the table - and stepped right through the figure in the chair. Emilie’s double did not react, however, remaining seated until, a short time later, it slowly disappeared. As before the girls turned to the garden to watch Emilie Sagee again gathering flowers with her usual animation.

All 42 girls agreed on what they had witnessed and some questioned their teacher soon after. They asked how she had felt in the garden and if she had experienced anything special. Emilie answered that she had noticed the other teacher leaving the girls unattended. Emilie had had a clear view of the empty chair and recalled wishing the teacher had not left her pupils alone to waste their time and probably get up to mischief. She had wished, she added, that she could have been sitting there to keep an eye on the girls so they would get on with their work.