HOLY SHIT!

SHITTY FLICKS: ZOMBIE NATION

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

Ulli Lommel is the guy at the party with a length of toilet paper stuck to his shoe, and he's trekking it around behind him like a limp tail, in between trips to the fish tank and the bean dip. Other party goers laugh, getting a kick out of it, and for the rest of the night, no one can take him seriously. Yet, despite this, he keeps getting invited to parties.

This is a perfect allegory for Ulli Lommel’s career. He has never, ever, ever made a good film. Not ever. And this isn’t one of those, “well that’s just your opinion, man” situations. If there was a big book called Opinions That Are Actually Facts, there would be an entire chapter called “Ulli Lommel’s Films Are Literally Shit.”

"Okay, this time, YOU ring the gong,
and I'LL scream MORTAL KOMBAT."

However, there is no denying that the guy is still filling Redbox machines and Netflix servers with his nonsense. He says "action!" and his cameras record stuff and suddenly there are studios out there who want to distribute it. I've seen enough Ulli Lommel films to know that if he can do it, anyone can.

Why not get started with this handy, no-effort recipe?

Ingredients

• 10-15 "actors" picked randomly from a variety of high school and community college drama programs (preferably ones dismissed for utter lack of talent)
• 1 part German wooden lead to stumble through English dialogue
• 1 abandoned warehouse to store all sets (police station with exposed sewage pipes clearly indicating it is shot in boiler room; apartment that looks like Ikea show room; furniture store whose door remains open all times of day despite lack of presence of staff or security team)
• 1/4 gallon of white paint (will not be enough to paint walls within camera range in said warehouse)
• 1 part crew man's accidental and blatant reflection in mirror
• 1 part stolen musical piece from The Exorcist (to be repeatedly used)
• Multiple parts flashback of fat bald man getting spanked
• 1 part clone of Parker Posey (for the mom role)
• 1 part asinine idea that, hey, since people liked Fight Club, let's have a scene where two men fistfight and fall into strategically placed cardboard boxes while surrounding friends and family shout encouragement, only never to mention the scene again

The boys were taken aback by Ulli's raucous laughter
after asking which color the latest script rewrite was in.

•  1/4 teaspoon of black make-up (apply generously; this will encompass ANY/ALL zombie make-up)
• Several parts weird, mood-breaking techno
• 2 cameras; one digital that shoots in good quality, one amateur home video camera that is glaring opposite the previous
• 3 parts lighting equipment to be blatantly captured in shot in every police station scene
• 1 part terribly out of place, unnoticed, non-utilized gong, placed in very fake police station
• 0 parts script supervisor
• 1 part audacity to use Marathon Man homage (in nonsensical way)
• 1 part random businessman that waits out in middle of woods to make business deals via cell phone, only to become fodder for zombie girls (who then steal car)
• 1 part mechanic who takes out penis behind door as zombie girls approach
• 1 part fake bloody penis
• 1 part hope that you won't realize Ulli didn't bother to write out the hero who disappears halfway through the movie due to real-life hospital visit
• 6 parts zombie girls to wear said black make-up under eyes up with no other make-up effects to be seen (except for continuity-be-damned close ups in mirrors)
• Multiple parts suspension of disbelief (cop takes offending woman to warehouse, partner waits outside, cop comes back out sans woman but with giant body-sized duffel bag, partner is not suspicious)
• 1 part completely ludicrous ending
• 0 parts logic

Directions

1. Take all said ingredients and throw haphazardly against wall.
2. Hope it sticks.
3. Look in awe at how movies literally about nothing can be made and sold for mass consumption.
4. Ingest generous portion, swallow with grimace as Ulli Lommel rips money from your pockets and laughs maniacally.

HEY, KNOW WHAT'S A REAL MOVIE?

PESTA

Pesta is the personification of Black Death in Norwegian folklore. She would be dressed up in all black when she visited farms, either holding a broom or a rake. If she was holding a broom then everyone on the farm would die. If she was holding a rake, then some would survive to tell her tale.

PROJECT SCISSORS: “NIGHTCRY”

PRESS RELEASE: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

PROJECT SCISSORS: “NIGHTCRY” 

28TH January 2015

Tokyo, Japan:

NightCry, the eagerly anticipated “horror adventure game” initially announced as Project Scissors, is coming to Kickstarter!

Inspired by overwhelming feedback from fans the world over, the NightCry team have unanimously decided to create a PC version of the ultimate horror game and are asking worldwide fans for their support in making it happen via the Project Scissors: NightCry Kickstarter campaign.

This highly anticipated game is currently under development at Nude Maker Inc., directed by Hifumi Kono (Director of “Clock Tower”, “Infinite Space”, and “Steel Battalion”) and co-created by Takashi Shimizu (Director of “Ju-On”, and “The Grudge”), NightCry was initially announced at the 2014 Tokyo Game Show as being for mobile platforms and the PlayStation® Vita.

In the game, players are invited aboard a cruise ship, where an evil presence has begun stalking and killing both guests and crew alike, resulting in the ship being lost at sea. As the player, you are unarmed and unprepared to fight back against the horrible evil that stalks you. All you can do is run and hide while searching for clues that might lead to your survival...

As a live action companion piece designed to dramatically expand upon the unique world and startling vision of NightCry, project co-creator Takashi Shimizu has created a short film that reveals another side of this dark universe and it’s environs.

You can view this short film and learn more about the Project Scissors: NightCry Kickstarter campaign from the following links:

Shimizu’s NightCry Short Film: http://youtu.be/QL77DK68Q_U


Kickstarter Link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/playism/project-scissors-nightcry 

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ProjectScissors

In addition to working with Takashi Shimizu, Hifumi Kono has engaged a wealth of incredible luminaries from the Japanese entertainment industry, including Kiyoshi Arai (Concept Art, Final Fantasy XII, XIV), Masahiro Ito (Creature Designer, Silent Hill series), and Nobuko Toda (Composer, Metal Gear Solid series, Halo 4 & 5). And additionally, famed CG animation director Shinji Aramaki (Appleseed series, Halo Legends) will be serving as creative advisor.

Also, for the first time since the game’s initial announcement, we’re happy to reveal that Michiru Yamane (Composer, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night) has joined the team to collaborate on the soundtrack.

Even though Yamane and Toda have a shared history at Konami Digital Entertainment - NightCry is their very first collaboration together.

With the invaluable help of Kickstarter backers the NightCry team hope to create a definitive version of the game for PC, with additional platforms being considered, if the crowd funding campaign exceeds all expectations.

Official website: http://www.night-cry.com


Official EN Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Night_Scissors

Contact: Joseph Chou – (81) 90 3915 4351

Email: joseph@sola-digital.com

BLOODY VALENTINE

THIRTEENTH