LEVITY

DO NOT PANIC

 The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are. 

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another. 

3. Tuck your chin in. 

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body. 

5. Do not panic. 

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic. 

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time. 

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head. 

9. Be sure you have your knife. 

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

CONGREGATION

HEY, KNOW WHAT'S A REAL MOVIE?

SURPRISE

I work for a property-securing company. We send contractors to vacant homes to change the locks and do winterizations. The other day, one of my contractors was doing an initial secure and routine inspection on a home. He’d been in the house for about an hour and headed to the basement for the required photo. It was very dark down there but he trusted his camera flash to get a decent picture.

He stayed on the stairs and took a photo before entering the basement to check for trip hazards or giant spiders. When he looked at his camera, this is what he saw.

He left after that.

SLOW AND STEADY

TORTURE

An aged human skeleton encased in an iron cage was found at Hempstead, L.I. It is believed to be an early pirate torture device. The criminal would be bound in the metal cage and hung from a scaffold until they died of starvation.