Feb 17, 2015

SHITTY FLICKS: ZOMBIE NATION

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.


Ulli Lommel is the guy at the party with a length of toilet paper stuck to his shoe, and he's trekking it around behind him like a limp tail, in between trips to the fish tank and the bean dip. Other party goers laugh, getting a kick out of it, and for the rest of the night, no one can take him seriously. Yet, despite this, he keeps getting invited to parties.

This is a perfect allegory for Ulli Lommel’s career. He has never, ever, ever made a good film. Not ever. And this isn’t one of those, “well that’s just your opinion, man” situations. If there was a big book called Opinions That Are Actually Facts, there would be an entire chapter called “Ulli Lommel’s Films Are Literally Shit.”

"Okay, this time, YOU ring the gong,
and I'LL scream MORTAL KOMBAT."

However, there is no denying that the guy is still filling Redbox machines and Netflix servers with his nonsense. He says "action!" and his cameras record stuff and suddenly there are studios out there who want to distribute it. I've seen enough Ulli Lommel films to know that if he can do it, anyone can.

Why not get started with this handy, no-effort recipe?

Ingredients
  • 10-15 "actors" picked randomly from a variety of high school and community college drama programs (preferably ones dismissed for utter lack of talent)
  • 1 part German wooden lead to stumble through English dialogue
  • 1 abandoned warehouse to store all sets (police station with exposed sewage pipes clearly indicating it is shot in boiler room; apartment that looks like Ikea show room; furniture store whose door remains open all times of day despite lack of presence of staff or security team)
  • 1/4 gallon of white paint (will not be enough to paint walls within camera range in said warehouse)
  • 1 part crew man's accidental and blatant reflection in mirror
  • 1 part stolen musical piece from The Exorcist (to be repeatedly used)
  • Multiple parts flashback of fat bald man getting spanked
  • 1 part clone of Parker Posey (for the mom role)
  • 1 part asinine idea that, hey, since people liked Fight Club, let's have a scene where two men fistfight and fall into strategically placed cardboard boxes while surrounding friends and family shout encouragement, only never to mention the scene again

The boys were taken aback by Ulli's raucous laughter
after asking which color the latest script rewrite was in.
  •  1/4 teaspoon of black make-up (apply generously; this will encompass ANY/ALL zombie make-up)
  • Several parts weird, mood-breaking techno
  • 2 cameras; one digital that shoots in good quality, one amateur home video camera that is glaring opposite the previous
  • 3 parts lighting equipment to be blatantly captured in shot in every police station scene
  • 1 part terribly out of place, unnoticed, non-utilized gong, placed in very fake police station
  • 0 parts script supervisor
  • 1 part audacity to use Marathon Man homage (in nonsensical way)
  • 1 part random businessman that waits out in middle of woods to make business deals via cell phone, only to become fodder for zombie girls (who then steal car)
  • 1 part mechanic who takes out penis behind door as zombie girls approach
  • 1 part fake bloody penis
  • 1 part hope that you won't realize Ulli didn't bother to write out the hero who disappears halfway through the movie due to real-life hospital visit
  • 6 parts zombie girls to wear said black make-up under eyes up with no other make-up effects to be seen (except for continuity-be-damned close ups in mirrors)
  • Multiple parts suspension of disbelief (cop takes offending woman to warehouse, partner waits outside, cop comes back out sans woman but with giant body-sized duffel bag, partner is not suspicious)
  • 1 part completely ludicrous ending
  • 0 parts logic

Directions
  1. Take all said ingredients and throw haphazardly against wall.
  2. Hope it sticks.
  3. Look in awe at how movies literally about nothing can be made and sold for mass consumption.
  4. Ingest generous portion, swallow with grimace as Ulli Lommel rips money from your pockets and laughs maniacally.


Now Available:
The world’s oldest celebration comes to life in The End of Summer: Thirteen Tales of Halloween, an anthology that honors the darkest and strangest night of the year. Each story is designed to be intrinsically and intimately about Halloween—its traditions, its myths, and its effects—and they run the gamut from horrifying to heartbreaking. Halloween night is the tapestry through which a haunted house, a monstrous child, a late-night drive to a mysterious destination, and other tales are weaved. Demons are faced, death is defied, and love is tested. And not everyone makes it out alive. The End of Summer has arrived.

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