Mar 2, 2013


(Spoilers throughout.)

Dear “Supernatural” et al.,


Please die.

Get a bad case of low-ratings fever, or a mean inoperable case of fuck-that when the cast realizes it could free itself from the constraints of the CW and move onto feature films.

Years ago, show creator Eric Kripke said:
“I did set out [to] tell a five-season storyline … I have every intention of ending the story with a bang and not drawing it out or watering it down.”
This five-rear run of which he speaks obviously encapsulates Seasons 1 through 5, which tells a complete story – one which grows naturally and organically, from beginning to end. It has a very clear, definitive finale, with a very fucking groan inducing final five seconds, letting you know LOL JK SHOW’S STILL HAPPENING.

For all intents and purposes, the story Kripke wanted to tell WAS told. It had a very defined beginning, middle, and end. Kripke made it very clear that he did not want the show to remain on the air past its freshness date. He did not want it to die a miserable death like “The X-Files” had done – an example he used specifically.

Here to ruin Eric Kripke’s plan is…Eric Kripke:
“That having been said. I’m looking at [season 5] as the last chapter in this particular story. That doesn’t mean there can’t be a new story. ‘Buffy’ did it. ‘The X-Files’ did it. You close a chapter on a big mythology storyline and then you begin a new one.”
AKA..."Now I can buy a beach house for my boat."

"And I was like, 'Make mine out to cash,' and they were like, 'Okay, Jensen.' "

How I wish I could pretend that Sam is dead, in hell, having sacrificed himself for the good of the world. How I wish I could pretend Dean has gone home to Lisa, and her son, and is living a normal life, free from the night work that had destroyed the entire Winchester family for generations back.

How I wish an American, non-HBO-produced show had the class to know a high point when they saw it and ended their show with dignity and respect.

As they say, wish in one hand…

The reason I am writing this all of a sudden is because the CW has just renewed “Supernatural” for a ninth season. For those keeping count, that’s how long “The X-Files” lasted, and the ninth season of that show – probably one of the best shows in the history of television – was a sad, pathetic, lifeless obligation so stifling even David Duchovny removed himself from most of its run.

If I am being honest, I will say this:

Seasons 1 – 5 of “Supernatural” are fucking fantastic. Think of it as one gigantic-ass movie. Every episode was part of a bigger picture, and none of it ever felt superfluous.

Season 6 is…not bad. But the idea of knowing it shouldn’t exist weighs heavily on the new events that transpire. The idea of not entirely abandoning the angel and demons storyline was the only choice to be made. If the show had to continue, it wasn’t a bad choice. And it ends with an admittedly stunning development: Castiel (Misha Collins), now that God has vanished somewhere into the nether regions of the universe, becomes the “new” God.

Whoa. A little stupid, but the kind of stupid that “Supernatural” can pull off with confidence. (They did, after all, successfully pull off a brother-from-another-mother episode.) That promised a pretty interesting Season 7, right?

Well, Season 7 happened – involving metal Langolier-like meatballs, the absence of Castiel, and the completely anti-climatic killing off of Bobby Singer – and I became sick to my stomach.

Season 7 almost immediately shits the bed, ruining the intriguing development of Castiel becoming the new God, by having Brothers Winchester chase Castiel into a lake…who shits out his God powers…which turn into the aforementioned metal meatballs. So…no God Castiel. He then disappears for far too many episodes at a time, leaving the metal meatballs to take the forefront of the season’s conflict.

Have I said metal meatballs enough times for you to realize how awful that is?


"This is cool, right?"

Further, killing off Bobby Singer (the immeasurably cool Jim Beaver) is such an obvious and generic thing to do that Kripke was smart not to have done it in Seasons 1-5 (at least…not permanently). Killing him off would have been just like killing off Walter Skinner from “The X-Files.” It would have been done for nothing but empty shock value. Because it’s smarter and more difficult to keep a supporting character like that around in a genre show and put him to good use, and even put him in danger and find a way for them to escape that danger, without resorting to such shameless tactics.

And yet, in Season 7, he dies ungloriously, becomes an off-screen ghost who moves shit around to confuse the brothers, and then eventually has a completely shoe-horned-in episode where he wanders around an abandoned house filled with other spirits, which then completely rips off the scene from Ghost where Patrick Swayze is taught cool ghost shit from that weird looking dude from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

You see, this allows the show to introduce a new character named Frank, a take on any one of the Lone Gunmen characters from “The X-Files,” whose curmudgeonness is supposed to be instantly hilarious and endearing. But he’s not. He’s just really, really mean. And unlikeable. And if he’s being set up to be Bobby’s replacement, holy shit.

Then there's Charlie (played by Felicia Day), a master hipster computer hacker. She hacks computers, and mm boy, that's what "Supernatural" is all about, ain't it? I remember the community was all abuzz when they announced that Felicia Day would be playing a part in this season. So many questions! "Who will she play?"  "Will her role be re-occurring?"  "Is she a potential love interest?"

I have a question of my own – who the fuck is Felicia Day? I'm not exactly the typical demographic to which CW programming is aimed, but am I that out of touch I have no clue who she is? What am I missing?

And let's not forget D.J. Qualls' appearances as hunter Garth Fitzgerald, about whom no one has ever said, "What a non-irritating character!"

Lastly, Season 7 has the honor of having birthed the hands-down absolute worst episode of "Supernatural" to date – it involves the reappearance of Becky Rosen (the unaging Emily Perkins), Dean, a love spell, and a wedding. Apparently even the episode's writers new this was a stupid idea because its official title is "Season 7, Time for a Wedding."

Fucking ha!

"Metal meatballs, are you serious?"

At this point, I should state that my knowledge of the current-goings on extends as far as the end of Season 7. I have not watched any aired episodes of Season 8, as that’s my style for any show I follow – I wait for the DVD. I’ve read an awful lot of complaints, however, which include an overabundance of flashbacks and some really gimmicky humor.

If, in Season 8, Bobby’s spirit is somehow miraculously reunited with his body (which is a long shot, considering I think he was cremated), his killing could be forgivable. Because as of right now, his death feels completely useless and uninspired.

So, to “Supernatural” et al., I beg you: if Season 9 is a done deal…end the whole fucking bloody mess with its final episode. Put it out of its misery.  Don’t let the newer seasons that suck begin to outnumber the older seasons that were worth a damn. Don’t contribute to the cloud of fart-smelling shows that remain on the air so long that they tarnish the legacy that the earlier show runners worked hard to achieve. You had a great show once. One of the best. One that will likely never achieve the same reputation as “The X-Files” because of its home on the CW and its cast of beautiful boys.

It was us – the fans – who made the show successful. It was us who tuned in, bought the seasons, bought the books, and even contributed to the show's actual mythology (which involves some of that very disturbing Wincest fanfic, from which I, as a fan, would request some distance…some very generous distance).

So do us fans a favor:
“Supernatural” is fifteen-year-old Rover with arthritic hips and one blind eye. Don’t keep poor Rover around out of selfishness because he keeps you happy. Do the right thing. Do what’s best for all of us.

Blow Rover’s fucking head off and focus all your attention on a new puppy.

Thanks to everyone not reading this (because who am I kidding?).


The End of Summer

"Is that...?"
"Season 7..."

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