Mar 9, 2013

TILL DEATH

"GHOST MARRIAGES" PROMPT GRAVE ROBBING AS MEN DIG UP BRIDES


BEIJING - Four men in northwest China have been sentenced to prison for the grisly crime of digging up the corpses of 10 women and selling them for "ghost marriages."

The grotesque "brides" were sold for a total of 240,000 RMB, or $38,000, according to court reports. The grave robbers were sentenced to prison terms ranging from two years and four months to two years and eight months in prison.

The bodies were sought by families of men who died as bachelors. The buyers were arranging "ghost marriages," a traditional custom in which parents find "spouses" for their unmarried, deceased children so that they can have a family in the afterlife.

The cadavers were stolen from their graves in Ya'an province beginning in the winter of 2011, according to reports. They were dug up in the middle of the night and hid in the thieves' homes where the corpses were cleaned up. Forged medical records were created in hopes of making it appear the corpses were only recently deceased and coming from reliable sources, allowing them to charge premium prices.

Ghost marriages are a 3,000 year-old custom that is especially common in rural parts of north China where young men often die in coal mining accidents. When a young man dies a bachelor, family members may consider it unnatural, and fear that the deceased's spirit may be restless.


Story source. 

Image source.

Mar 8, 2013

THE DEVIL'S TREE

This is one sinister looking tree, and according to the locals, who told us of its legends, everyone in the vicinity of Bernards Township seems to have a story about it. They say that at one time a farmer killed his entire family, then went to the tree to hang himself. According to some, numerous suicides and murders occurred around the evil arbor. Supposedly anyone who tries to cut down the tree comes to an untimely end, as it is now cursed. It is said that the souls of those killed at the spot give the tree an unnatural warmth, and even in the dead of winter no snow will fall around it.

When Weird NJ visited the Devil’s Tree we noticed evidence that many attempts had been made over the years to fell the unholy oak, but all have failed. The tree stands all alone in the middle of a large field off Mountain Road. Its trunk has been severely scarred by axes and chain saws, some wounds appearing to be quite old. Why no one has yet been successful in toppling the timber we cannot say for sure. Nor do we know what has become of those who have tried.

One Weird NJ reader described the Devil’s Tree to us this way: 
There’s a big field and right near the road is the tree. It’s the only thing in the field. Supposedly it’s a portal to hell and a sentinel guards it. He drives an old black Ford or pick-up truck and will chase you down the road until a certain point. You will see headlights one second, and the next nothing – the car is just gone.
Another local told us that the inherent unholiness of the Devil’s Tree is the result of the evil that men do, and should not to be blamed on the Devil.


Story source.

Mar 7, 2013

ELEVEN SATANIC RULES OF THE EARTH

  1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
  2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
  3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.
  4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.
  5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
  6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.
  7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.
  8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
  9. Do not harm little children.
  10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
  11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.



(For the record, I'm not a Satanist, but I'm amused by these "rules" simply because some of them are not what you'd expect to hear come out of the Church of Satan. Plus # 11 has a certain rhythm to it that I quite like.)

Mar 5, 2013

YOUR SWEATER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL

Usually when one buys clothes second-hand at shops like Goodwill, one just wonders whether it's been laundered properly. But Pat Robertson brought an entirely new worry to the fore on Monday's episode of his "700 Club" program. Responding to an email sent in by a viewer, the elderly televangelist said that, while not all clothes have demonic spirits attached to them, it never hurts to take some precautionary measures.

Robertson was answering a question from viewer Carrie, who wrote:
I buy a lot of clothes and other items at Goodwill and other secondhand shops. Recently my mom told me that I need to pray over the items, bind familiar spirits and bless the items before I bring them into the house. Is my mother correct? Can demons attach themselves to material items?
Robertson answered Carrie's question with a story about a girl who was troubled by a ring that had been prayed over by a witch. "She had to buy it and all hell broke loose because she finally recognized what it was," Robertson said, before claiming that demonic spirits can certainly attach themselves to objects.

Now, does this mean all second-hand clothing is a vessel of the devil? Not exactly, according to Robertson, but "it ain’t going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes.”

Goodwill's website encourages those who wish to make a donation to launder or dry clean clothes before bringing them in.

RUN!

Story source.

Image source. 

Mar 4, 2013

THE HECK D'YA MEAN?



Alright, Jerry, you got the phone to yourself? Are you alone?

Well, yeah.

You know who this is?

Well, yeah, I got an idea. 
How's that Ciera working out for ya?

Circumstances have changed, Jerry.

Well, what do ya mean?

Things have changed, circumstances, Jerry...
force majeure, acts of God.

How's Jean?

Who's Jean?

My wife! What the-?

Oh... right. 
She's alright,
but there's a few people in Brainerd who aren't so okay,
I'll tell you that.


What the heck are ya talking about? 
Let's just finish this deal up here.

Blood has been shed, Jerry.

What the heck do ya mean?

Three people, in Brainerd... are dead.

Oh, jeez!

That's right, we need more money.

What the heck are ya talking about? 
What do you fellas have yourself mixed up in?

Never mind. We need more money...

This was supposed to be a no rough stuff type deal!

DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME, JERRY!
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Well, I'm sorry, but I just... I don't...

I'm not gonna debate with you, Jerry! 
I'm not gonna debate! 
Three people in Brainerd were killed. 
We now want the entire 80,000!

Oh, for chrissake, here! 

Mar 2, 2013

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE REVOLVING-DOOR SHOW RUNNERS OF “SUPERNATURAL”

(Spoilers throughout.)

Dear “Supernatural” et al.,

Die.

Please die.

Get a bad case of low-ratings fever, or a mean inoperable case of fuck-that when the cast realizes it could free itself from the constraints of the CW and move onto feature films.

Years ago, show creator Eric Kripke said:
“I did set out [to] tell a five-season storyline … I have every intention of ending the story with a bang and not drawing it out or watering it down.”
This five-rear run of which he speaks obviously encapsulates Seasons 1 through 5, which tells a complete story – one which grows naturally and organically, from beginning to end. It has a very clear, definitive finale, with a very fucking groan inducing final five seconds, letting you know LOL JK SHOW’S STILL HAPPENING.

For all intents and purposes, the story Kripke wanted to tell WAS told. It had a very defined beginning, middle, and end. Kripke made it very clear that he did not want the show to remain on the air past its freshness date. He did not want it to die a miserable death like “The X-Files” had done – an example he used specifically.

Here to ruin Eric Kripke’s plan is…Eric Kripke:
“That having been said. I’m looking at [season 5] as the last chapter in this particular story. That doesn’t mean there can’t be a new story. ‘Buffy’ did it. ‘The X-Files’ did it. You close a chapter on a big mythology storyline and then you begin a new one.”
AKA..."Now I can buy a beach house for my boat."

"And I was like, 'Make mine out to cash,' and they were like, 'Okay, Jensen.' "

How I wish I could pretend that Sam is dead, in hell, having sacrificed himself for the good of the world. How I wish I could pretend Dean has gone home to Lisa, and her son, and is living a normal life, free from the night work that had destroyed the entire Winchester family for generations back.

How I wish an American, non-HBO-produced show had the class to know a high point when they saw it and ended their show with dignity and respect.

As they say, wish in one hand…

The reason I am writing this all of a sudden is because the CW has just renewed “Supernatural” for a ninth season. For those keeping count, that’s how long “The X-Files” lasted, and the ninth season of that show – probably one of the best shows in the history of television – was a sad, pathetic, lifeless obligation so stifling even David Duchovny removed himself from most of its run.

If I am being honest, I will say this:

Seasons 1 – 5 of “Supernatural” are fucking fantastic. Think of it as one gigantic-ass movie. Every episode was part of a bigger picture, and none of it ever felt superfluous.

Season 6 is…not bad. But the idea of knowing it shouldn’t exist weighs heavily on the new events that transpire. The idea of not entirely abandoning the angel and demons storyline was the only choice to be made. If the show had to continue, it wasn’t a bad choice. And it ends with an admittedly stunning development: Castiel (Misha Collins), now that God has vanished somewhere into the nether regions of the universe, becomes the “new” God.

Whoa. A little stupid, but the kind of stupid that “Supernatural” can pull off with confidence. (They did, after all, successfully pull off a brother-from-another-mother episode.) That promised a pretty interesting Season 7, right?

Well, Season 7 happened – involving metal Langolier-like meatballs, the absence of Castiel, and the completely anti-climatic killing off of Bobby Singer – and I became sick to my stomach.

Season 7 almost immediately shits the bed, ruining the intriguing development of Castiel becoming the new God, by having Brothers Winchester chase Castiel into a lake…who shits out his God powers…which turn into the aforementioned metal meatballs. So…no God Castiel. He then disappears for far too many episodes at a time, leaving the metal meatballs to take the forefront of the season’s conflict.

Have I said metal meatballs enough times for you to realize how awful that is?

METAL MEATBALLS.

"This is cool, right?"

Further, killing off Bobby Singer (the immeasurably cool Jim Beaver) is such an obvious and generic thing to do that Kripke was smart not to have done it in Seasons 1-5 (at least…not permanently). Killing him off would have been just like killing off Walter Skinner from “The X-Files.” It would have been done for nothing but empty shock value. Because it’s smarter and more difficult to keep a supporting character like that around in a genre show and put him to good use, and even put him in danger and find a way for them to escape that danger, without resorting to such shameless tactics.

And yet, in Season 7, he dies ungloriously, becomes an off-screen ghost who moves shit around to confuse the brothers, and then eventually has a completely shoe-horned-in episode where he wanders around an abandoned house filled with other spirits, which then completely rips off the scene from Ghost where Patrick Swayze is taught cool ghost shit from that weird looking dude from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

You see, this allows the show to introduce a new character named Frank, a take on any one of the Lone Gunmen characters from “The X-Files,” whose curmudgeonness is supposed to be instantly hilarious and endearing. But he’s not. He’s just really, really mean. And unlikeable. And if he’s being set up to be Bobby’s replacement, holy shit.

Then there's Charlie (played by Felicia Day), a master hipster computer hacker. She hacks computers, and mm boy, that's what "Supernatural" is all about, ain't it? I remember the community was all abuzz when they announced that Felicia Day would be playing a part in this season. So many questions! "Who will she play?"  "Will her role be re-occurring?"  "Is she a potential love interest?"

I have a question of my own – who the fuck is Felicia Day? I'm not exactly the typical demographic to which CW programming is aimed, but am I that out of touch I have no clue who she is? What am I missing?

And let's not forget D.J. Qualls' appearances as hunter Garth Fitzgerald, about whom no one has ever said, "What a non-irritating character!"

Lastly, Season 7 has the honor of having birthed the hands-down absolute worst episode of "Supernatural" to date – it involves the reappearance of Becky Rosen (the unaging Emily Perkins), Dean, a love spell, and a wedding. Apparently even the episode's writers new this was a stupid idea because its official title is "Season 7, Time for a Wedding."

Fucking ha!

"Metal meatballs, are you serious?"

At this point, I should state that my knowledge of the current-goings on extends as far as the end of Season 7. I have not watched any aired episodes of Season 8, as that’s my style for any show I follow – I wait for the DVD. I’ve read an awful lot of complaints, however, which include an overabundance of flashbacks and some really gimmicky humor.

If, in Season 8, Bobby’s spirit is somehow miraculously reunited with his body (which is a long shot, considering I think he was cremated), his killing could be forgivable. Because as of right now, his death feels completely useless and uninspired.

So, to “Supernatural” et al., I beg you: if Season 9 is a done deal…end the whole fucking bloody mess with its final episode. Put it out of its misery.  Don’t let the newer seasons that suck begin to outnumber the older seasons that were worth a damn. Don’t contribute to the cloud of fart-smelling shows that remain on the air so long that they tarnish the legacy that the earlier show runners worked hard to achieve. You had a great show once. One of the best. One that will likely never achieve the same reputation as “The X-Files” because of its home on the CW and its cast of beautiful boys.

It was us – the fans – who made the show successful. It was us who tuned in, bought the seasons, bought the books, and even contributed to the show's actual mythology (which involves some of that very disturbing Wincest fanfic, from which I, as a fan, would request some distance…some very generous distance).

So do us fans a favor:
“Supernatural” is fifteen-year-old Rover with arthritic hips and one blind eye. Don’t keep poor Rover around out of selfishness because he keeps you happy. Do the right thing. Do what’s best for all of us.

Blow Rover’s fucking head off and focus all your attention on a new puppy.

Thanks to everyone not reading this (because who am I kidding?).

Regards,

The End of Summer

"Is that...?"
"Season 7..."