Oct 12, 2014

#HALLOWEEN: TWO GUYS, ONE QUIP: HACK-O-LANTERN

A joint effort between The End of Summer and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honor the cheesiest, oddest, and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. Below you will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcasm and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. Profanity will be immense, constant, and unyielding. No on-screen target is safe. No incompetence will pass by unmocked. And no punches will be at all pulled. Some films are asking for it. These are some of them.


The End of Summer (TEOS): Halloween is in the air again. It will be here before we know it. During this time of year, like-minded folks will be kicking back with a pumpkin beer and watching one of their perennial favorites. John Carpenter’s Halloween. New minor classic Trick-R-Treat, perhaps. But around the Two Guys offices, we don’t take it easy. We suffer. We OPT to suffer. And we do it for you bungholes.

Helping us suffer is 1988’s oddball offering Hack-O-Lantern (aka Halloween Night) (aka Direct A Remake Of The Omen? Why, All Right: The Sad Story of John Moore).

Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Wait a fucking second: does that say ‘From the director of Night Eyes?’ I can’t believe I’m watching a movie from the same guy who directed Night Eyes! That’s…

Fuck, man I’m already too depressed to know how to finish this sarcastic joke. I will say this, though: I’ve got a perfectly serviceable pair of earphones plugged into this computer of mine and the sound is only coming through one ear piece, so...that’s just terrific.

TEOS: Night Eyes sounds like it should star Shannon Tweed and Marc Singer. My own imagination has left me intrigued by a movie I just made up. And a little bonered.

EMR: I got excited during the opening credits because I misread who’d written the story as ‘Buford Pusser’ and then the reality of the situation dawned on me that I wasn’t watching Walking Tall and that even six-year-old Halloween candies can’t put me into a deep enough diabetic coma to make everything better.

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