Sep 2, 2014

TWO GUYS, ONE QUIP: NINJA TERMINATOR

A joint effort between The End of Summer and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honor the cheesiest, oddest, and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. You will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcasm and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. Profanity will be immense, constant, and unyielding. No on-screen target is safe. No incompetence will pass by unmocked. And no punches will be at all pulled. Some films are asking for it. These are some of them. 


The End of Summer (TEOS): Do you know the name Godfrey Ho? Well, you should (if you like bullshit) – he of the films Undefeatable (housing the greatest fight scene of all time), Robo Vampire, with which the Two Guys team has already tussled, and other fun-titled films like The Trouble-Solving Broker, Inferno Thunderbolt, and, for the love of god, The Magnificent Wonderman, which I believe is my life story. (I say this last part with a dickhead grin as I make a jerk-off motion to a picture of your mom.) 

Well, motherfuckers, Ho-Man, the Master of the Universe himself, also directed another piece of shit. Its title is Ninja Terminator, which (I guess) takes two of my favorite things and smashes them together: ninjas, and the thing James Cameron ripped off before he ripped off Dances with Wolves for Avatar. (If that made you angry, mission accomplished, fuck.)

Brief Googling explains that Ho actually made a habit of taking random footage and splicing it together into a “cohesive narrative,” but it’s really easy to put things in quotes that you especially don’t mean. 

Brett Ratner is a “filmmaker.” 

I don’t “mind” Imagine Dragons. 

Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Ha! Yeah, I “don’t” jerk off to the “models” on DeviantArt…

...wait...

TEOS: Starring Richard Harris(on) and *coughJamescough* Chan, Ninja Terminator opens with a rather strange (and erotic) rip-off of the Columbia Pictures logo, of all things. I guess since the Terminator moniker was already being ripped-off with all the subtlety of Kanye West, they figured, “Let’s just rip off a studio logo because we’re the best!”

Read the whole thing.

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