Jul 18, 2014

TWO GUYS, ONE QUIP: SAMURAI COP

A joint effort between The End of Summer and Exploitation Movie Review, “Two Guys, One Quip” is a new venture to honor the cheesiest, oddest, and most unheralded crop of films we can stand. Some films can be tackled solo and some cannot. Some films are so excruciatingly unusual that multiple parties are needed to catch every single solitary weirdity. "Two Guys, One Quip" is a free-for-all, back-and-forth, "I'm-just-gonna-say-whatever" approach to double-teaming an easy target in the unsexiest way possible. Below you will find nothing close to actual, legitimate film discussion, but instead sarcastic commentary and douche-bag superiority flying fast and furious. Profanity will be immense, constant, and unyielding. No on-screen target is safe. No incompetence will pass by unmocked. And no punches will be at all pulled. Some films deserve it. This is one of them.




Exploitation Movie Review (EMR): Little to nothing is written about the production of Samurai Cop, or, at least, nothing that I could find on the first two pages of my Google search. There are literally tens of words written about this demonically bad piece of shit, but none of them come close to the almighty fucking drubbing it's about to receive here.

I want to start by apologising to you, man.

The End Of Summer (TEOS): I’m used to it.

EMR: Ok, so this movie starts how all ‘80s movies should probably start: with a theme song lifted straight from its Commodore 64 movie tie-in game loading screen, and boy, does this motherfucker want to be Giorgio Moroder.

TEOS: Who doesn’t?

EMR: The Chinese guy with the six shooters from Big Trouble In Little China goes straight for the throat and explains that his gang isn't established yet, while Robert Z'Dar's chin justifies anamorphic widescreen and some red-headed broad with pretty decent looking tits preens her hair and looks sultry in the background. It's difficult to know exactly what's going on because I'm caught off-guard by how racist this thing is. The plot is being communicated to me exclusively in grunts and growls. Some shit about a fight or something.

TEOS: Wow, you’re already onto the plot? I’m still haunted by that fucking opening credit sequence, which was longer than Dennis Rodman standing on top of Kim Jong Un standing on top of 37 nukes that will never propel. I’m actually a little winded from all the unending Woody Allen white-font-on-black background and Nintendo music.

Go on, I’ll catch up.


Head on over to the Two Guys, One Quip blog to read the rest.

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