Aug 14, 2013


Dear Universal Studios,

Fuck you.

It was with great—

No, shut the fuck up. Shut up for a fucking second. Let me say this.

It was with great displeasure I first read the news about a so-called 2015 start-date of set builds for your planned reboot of Jaws, which I can only assume (if this is indeed a thing) will be invading theaters in the summer of 2016.

Production Jobs > USA California - South > View Job Details     
Vacancy: All Positions for Jaws reboot.
Employer: flickfolks
Location: Hollywood
Duration: 5 months, starts Jan. 2015
We are seeking all crew positions for the upcoming Jaws reboot. We will need to build sets quite early therefore we will be hiring partially prior to the official pre-production. Please submit all job queries via in the US Film Crew Section. Please leave a message there directly with the studio PM (production manager)

I ask with all due respect and sincerity: Are you ALL out of your fucking stupid minds? What in the god damned fucking hell are you thinking? Can I please know the rationale? Do you not have enough money yet? Couldn’t you just release a fourth Jaws blu-ray or something that comes with a shark’s fin and a pair of shark’s teeth that shoot out of the packaging and grabs my wallet?

I mean, Jesus fuck! Are you completely—

No, shut the fuck up. Look up top. See that banner? You're in my world now, Grandma. And you’re going to hear this.

Foolishly I thought we were all above this. I (mostly) held my tongue when Halloween was remade. And when Nightmare on Elm Street was next, I was only slightly irritated. By the time Evil Dead was announced, I just kinda threw my hands up and said "whatever; we're almost done, I guess."

The Exorcist and Jaws: two films I was cocksure-confident would never be touched by the remake turd. 

You may now freely call me naive.

Jaws today, just like it was in 1975, is an imperfect film that is still somehow perfect. We all know the story. The shark never worked. The actors were drunk sometimes. Universal had very little faith in the beginning of the shoot. Dick Dreyfuss doubted you could pull off the more fantastic scenes of the book.

And then the following happened: Spielberg et al. changed the face of the summer movie season forever. No, let’s backtrack. They did not change it. They CREATED it.

And after that happened, ya’ll did a pretty good job of ruining that franchise pretty quickly. I mean, Jaws 2 was not the Caddyshack 2 of sequels, but it could very well have been. So you should have left well enough alone. But then you had to go make that awful 3D one at Sea World, and that even more awful one with that guy from The Last Starfighter.

Listen, I get it – that’s one thing that still remains today. If a movie makes money, you sequelize it until it becomes so bad there’s nothing you can do except release 30 different home video versions of the original to remind everyone that before you made all those bad sequels, you were, after all, the ones who released the groundbreaking original.

How many home video releases of Jaws have there been? Something like 17?

Fuck you. You haven’t made your Jaws money yet? Well maybe you shouldn’t have ripped out the Jaws ride from your park to make room for Harry Fucking Potter, the kid with the lighting bolt tramp-stamped on his back.

Ever think of that?

I sincerely hope you’re not looking at the recent “success” of Sharknado and thinking, “Wait a minute – WE made the ultimate shark movie! Let’s show them who’s the tops!”

Please don’t take your page from a movie about sharks in a twister. It will just make you look really, really stupid.

And please please please don't tell me, “We’re not remaking Jaws! We’re going back to the book!”

Let’s be honest, the book kind of sucked. No one wants to see Matt Hooper fuck Ellen Brody. No one wants to see Quint throwing unborn dolphin fetuses into the water to attract sharks. And I can assure you: No one wants to see a finale in which the shark literally dies of exhaustion and floats – dead – into Martin Brody’s chest.  (Oh, spoiler.)

“We’re going back to the book!” is something a lot of studios and directors like to say, but it’s hardly ever true. The new Carrie allegedly went back to the book…until you saw the trailer, and recognized an awful lot from Brian De Palma’s original take. Matt Reeves is currently attached to a remake of They Live, but claims he’s going back to the original short story on which it was based, “Eight O’Clock in the Morning.” How much you wanna bet the finished product will be called They Live? Kinda like how the recent “prequel” to The Thing was definitely a prequel and not a remake even though it was called The Thing and it was the same fucking movie as The Thing, only less good?

Eat it, studios. I hate you and your posturing bullshit. Have the balls to cop to what you’re doing.

Look, I’m sorry R.I.P.D. was a miserable failure, but…that IS kind of your fault. It looked terrible. Here’s the rule: you can make a bad film, and you can release a film which does poor box office, but you can’t do both at the same time and then get all sad and mopey because of it.  And you can’t pillage a classic title because you’ve decided you need a guaranteed hit to make up for it.

Listen, this could all be extremely premature. This could all just be some unsubstantiated rumor some nerd on a message board got going simply because he was bored and had nothing to do during the commercial breaks of "Arrow."

Maybe this is actually a reboot of Jaws, the character from that James Bond movie with the metal teeth. Maybe he’s getting his own film!

You know! This guy!

If that’s the case, I apologize. Feel free to release a new blu-ray of Jaws that plays Quint’s rendition of “Spanish Ladies” whenever you open the case. I’ll buy it.

I suppose if you’re really going ahead with this, let’s really put it all out on the table. You need to think about what lies ahead of you.

Who is going to direct it? Honestly, who remakes Spielberg? The Spielberg of today couldn’t even do it.  A CGI shark washed out in Janusz Kaminski’s bleached film stock?

No thanks.

Better get Zack Snyder. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a really good shark film involving speed ramping and slow motion.

Better make it 3D, too, and get David Goyer to write the screenplay. I mean, he’s not a total waste of breath if he’s not working alongside the Nolan brothers, right?

Isn’t this how studios think today? To chase after filmmakers and writers who aren’t necessarily good, but whose output makes money?

Gee, how about Adam Sandler? People flock to his shit, after all. Him and Eddie Murphy can play every part. It can be called YA’LL JAWS!

And who will you tap to play Quint, who will then be saddled with reinterpreting probably the absolute greatest monologue in film history – the U.S.S. Indianapolis?  

Because you have to have that, right? You do realize that’s one of the strongest sequences from the original film, right? The ENTIRE motivation behind Quint’s savage hatred for sharks?

You fucking understand that, right?

I look forward to the new version where instead Quint’s wife or son or dog gets eaten by a shark in the prologue and we flash forward thirty years and gee he really hates sharks now.

Idiots. You’re all fucking stupid.

I guess I’m all out of things to say. All of the above doesn’t mean anything, and we all know it. It’s just a single drop in the ocean of water we were once afraid to go back into. And I haven’t been this afraid of a movie since seeing the glorious original – one which I still proudly label as my favorite all-time film – when I was a wee one, huddled on the couch next to my father.

Once more, fuck you.

I’m sorry for all the cursing.

Please don’t do this.


The End of Summer

P.S. To anyone even considering telling me, "but the original film will always exist; a remake can't ruin the original," go fuck yourself. How about I punch your mother in the mouth? I mean, she'll still exist afterward, right?


You're the reason we can't have nice things.

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