Jul 29, 2013

SHITTY FLICKS: SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis. 

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up. 


Spring Break Town, USA. A place for all kids 18-25 to gather together and dance the night away Just...dance and dance! And if the beach gets old, jam on over to Dance Island! And if the island gets old, grab your boom box and rock the fuck on down to a Dance Beach House for more dancing! Last, but not least, charter a boat, and thrust those hips to some Black Eyed Peas or whatever bullshit idiots today listen to! The key to spring break is to never ever stop dancing, because if you do, you'll be eaten by sharks. And if your gyrating ass is starring in Spring Break Shark Attack, then you're dancing your tramp-stamps off.

Our movie opens with a boring, plain blonde girl wishing so very desperately to go party with her friends in Florida. Her father, who has affairs, knows that guys during Spring Break want one thing: probably sex. He doesn't actually say it, but he does call them "sharks!"

Get it?

According to father, Spring Break is nothing but "jello wrestling in kiddie pools." Since father fucks other women, I guess he knows about this stuff.

Thanks, father.

Blonde girl resents her stupid father for fucking around, and she brings it up at the breakfast table in response to her father's unwillingness to budge on this spring break matter, which - affair or no - should have resulted in a backhand that would have pleased Joan Crawford.

Blonde girl lies to adulterous father and goes to Florida anyway. In Florida, she meets up with nerd Charlie, her brother and marine biologist, who sits out on the ledge of his boat, discussing the very real possibility that the area is currently flooded with blood thirsty tiger sharks, as he wades his feet in the water.

She also meets Boat Engine Boy, who can fix any boat engine while simultaneously wasting his life. Boat Engine Boy and his mother discuss how she can't afford to send him to college, even though they live in Florida on the water and own several boats and a boat renting business.

Don’t let their hardened faces fool you.
These kids can smile and dance like it’s nobody’s business.

Blonde girl meets up with her equally vapid friends who, before whisking her off to the beach, try on many many hats and laugh, because a lot of hats in one room is really just so god damned funny.

While on the beach, as per father, she sees two girls wrestling in a kiddie pool of jello. One of her friends says, "Cool!" while another says, "Hey, I wanna do that!"

Then I probably get boners.

Blonde girl eventually meets JT, her eventual attempted raper. He wears a sharktooth necklace because this movie is anything but subtle. JT and his heterosexual friend, Crab Claws, are making a "Girls Unleashed" video.

And just like this movie, it turns out to be pretty unentertaining and very misleading. In this video about girls removing their clothes, a girl licks her lips and is about to remove her top, but the camera suddenly spins around to capture the reaction of the horndog cameraman, shrieking with joy.

Why bother creating a naked girls compilation video if you're going to show your own face during the raunchy part?

Why bother watching Spring Break Shark Attack?

There are no answers.

Charlie discusses with his friend about his new huge thinger he created that emits some kind of sonar that sharks don’t like and makes them swim away. If you’re stroking your chin beard and wondering if this random invention may come back to play later on in the movie, then I would have to accuse of already having seen the film.

It wasn't until they had been on the water for
three hours when JT noticed that Heather
was actually a mannequin.

Later, there is a huge random party, and blonde girl gets a drug dropped into her drink. She later wanders away to roll around a bed and moan, and then call her father and tell him exactly what happened. JT finds her sprawled out on the bed, aims his wang for her vagina, and goes full steam ahead.

But uh oh!

Boat Engine Boy shows up and the two boys share a very awkward conversation that can be translated as:

- "Were you going to fuck an asleep girl?"
- "Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I came here for some bean dip. Where's the bean dip? Hey, this isn't my house. Later."

Crab Claws and his girlfriend have a tiff, so Crab Claws jerks to the water with some random floozy. And then it's time to meet Mr. Carcaradon.

Ha ha, ow!

Later, this fun-loving white-skinned group charter one of Boat Engine Boy’s vessels, and he takes them out on the water. At this point, JT and Boat Engine boy, it is pretty clear, don’t like each other. Probably because JT is a raper and Boat Engine boy looks fucking thirteen.

During this dance party, the sharks attack and the kids are forced to beach the boat on a far away shore, where they impossibly find Crab Claws' half-a-body. Someone screams, and then we cut to where a commercial used to be.

We finally come back and uh-oh, seems like Bryan Brown, a local boat renter, gets the plot going, admitting that he has been chumming the waters on his rival's beach in order to attract sharks and scare people away back to the beach where his business is at.

What's more ironic is that Boat Engine Boy's mom had been so desperate for cash that she often rented out her own boats to Brian Brown on those early mornings when he was dumping fish guts! Oh, how deceptive of you, Bryan Brown.

For a few dollars, or for the rest of that
bag of chips, Bryan Brown would be
pleased to pose for a picture.

No time for pussy self-realization, as the sharks attack. Their fins zig-zag through the water (and actually pass through each other at one point like ghosts, via some horrendous CGI). A decent amount of people are eaten. A decent amount of sharks are not seen.

The climax of the film finds the shallow beaches of Spring Break Town, USA, mobbed with shark attacks. Many, many fins are seen decimating a large crowd of kids.

Boat Engine Boy, the most unlikely hero you'll ever see, takes a boat out a few hundred yards from the massacre and begins chumming the waters, while bellowing, "Come get some food, SHARKS."

The sharks, using those ears located just below their party hats, hear this command and swim away from all that bloody meat-filled water they're in to be in the bloody water where the boat and some small fish float around.

Note: Honestly, sharks may "attack" humans by accident, and eat weird trash items, but they're not as retarded as this movie makes them out to be. Please, give them some credit.

Blonde Girl and Boat Engine Boy share an Eskimo kiss
after she agrees to cosign on his new jeep.

After the sharks ram the boat, Blonde Girl accidentally fires off a harpoon she was holding and shoots Boat Engine Boy through the shoulder and he falls down.

And I laugh, wishing Curly Howard were here to complete the scene with a decent belly flop and kick-turn.

Luckily, Nerd Charlie has used this time to drop his chemistry set and plummet his shark repellent thinger into the water, and the sharks instantly haul-ass out of there. Just in time, for Blonde Girl, down below trying to unclog the boat motor, was almost shark bait. Thank God she lived, what with me not even remembering her name.

In the end, the sharks are repelled, Nerd Charlie realizes his shark repellent thinger works, and Blonde Girl and her adulterous father forgive each other.

Even Bryan Brown is scolded by boat engine boy's mom for his wicked ways and his manipulating of God's creatures. Everyone has learned a lesson, it seems.

And haven't we?

No, we haven't.

Except, if you're going to attempt to rape a girl during Spring Break, don't do it during a ginormous party. You'll get caught by Boat Engine Boy, who will punch you.

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