May 18, 2013

SHITTY FLICKS: SLEEPAWAY CAMP

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.


Ah, such a relaxing summer afternoon here at Lake Something, where people sail lazily on the water, happy to be away from the noisy, bustling cityscape. A contented man, John, lies on the surface of his small sailboat, letting the waves of the lake send shivers of relaxation down his spine. At his side are two precocious children, Peter and Angela. Peter, eyeing a speedboat that zooms by, asks if he could get behind the wheel of his own boat. The man grins at Peter’s precocious manner.

“Maybe in a few years when you’re older,” he says, smiling.

Meanwhile, the young teen operating that very speedboat relents to his annoying girlfriend and hesitantly lets her steer for a bit.

Peter and Angela, being fun, fun, kids, step up behind John and push him into the water, who only laughs in response.

Ha ha! This is fun!

The out of control speedboat crushes the man’s head with a dull thud.

One of the children doesn't fare too well, either.

“JOHN!” screams John’s friend as he watches horrified from the beach.

Eight years later, a woman crazier-than-Britney-Spears-yet-not-crazier-than-Ann-Coulter calls up the stairs of her spacious home to alert her children that it is time for camp. The kids, Ricky and Angela, plop down the steps as the woman SCREAMS into their face about the snacks she has bought them.

“I BOUGHT YOU SOME GOODIES FOR CAMP, WASN’T THAT NICE OF ME, HMMM?”

Ricky, used to his mother’s annoying insanity, merely ignores her and gathers up his camp goods. The kids leave as their crazy mother watches from the door, ready for just the right moment to bend over backwards and lick her own ass while she screams at the mailman.

"Helloooo, you two!! Welcome to Camp FUN-O-RAMA!!
I'm Wacky Wally, your FUN COUNSELOR!!
Take off your clothes and get in the rec hall."

The bus pulls into the camp as we meet our adults. The first is Greasy Cook, who eyes up all the 12-year-old girls and says to his chums, “Where I come from, we call ‘em baldies. Makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?”

Old Black Cook, who in reality should be disturbed, says “Those girls are too young to even understand what you’re talkin’ about!” and smiles at his fellow cook.

“No such thing as too young,” says Greasy Cook, of whom I’ve instantly had enough.

As the kids walk to their bunks, Ricky meets up with Paul, a past camp friend. Ricky introduces Paul to his cousin, Angela. Paul makes a lewd act about Ricky's ex-girlfriend, Judy - specifically what must be some gigantic tits. We then get a brief glimpse of Judy, who is supposed to be thirteen but looks thirty and has more hair than Robin Williams.

Ah, camp.

The girls unpack their things and meet their camp counselors, Meg and Susie. Meg I’d like to snap in half, and Susie looks to be one Prozac away from meeting Ben Franklin for dinner. As the girls continue to unpack, Angela figures she’ll break the ice by staring intently at Judy and ignoring all the hideous comments flung at her from the big-titted ice queen.

“Looks like we got a real winner here!” Meg says to her best friend, Judy.

A few days later in the mess hall, bitch Meg complains to another counselor, Ronnie, that Angela hasn’t eaten or spoken since her arrival. Ronnie figures the best course of action is to take Angela into the kitchen, home of the known pedophile Greasy Cook, to see if he could fix up something extra special just for her.

Greasy Cook knows just the thing. It rhymes with cock.

Greasy Cook leads Angela into the walk-in, promising her “something interesting.” Greasy Cook unzips his fly and barely lets his little guy breathe before Ricky bursts in, looking for Angela. The two flee as the kitchen staff, aware of Greasy Cook’s preferences, couldn’t look less concerned.

Later, Greasy Cook ends up on a step ladder, stirring a very large pot of boiling soup. With a shove-shove here and a splash-splash there, Greasy Cook ends up with a hot load in his face, and not from a crying ten-year-old girl like he’s used to, but from whatever soup he’ll never finish. He lies on the floor and shrieks, and shrieks, and shrieks, as his buddy, Old Black Cook, simply looks at him in shock and does nothing to help.

"I'm Bill Cosby pudding sweaters."

The shrieking cook is wheeled out by paramedics, never to make me uncomfortable again. The camp director, Mel, is quite eager to make the whole situation hush-hush, and he promotes Old Black Cook to keep him and his staff quiet.

Later, the angriest camp game of baseball ever to take place occurs, with warring cabins trading “eat shit and die” and “fuck you,” infused with the spirit of the game. We’re forced to watch a good portion of it, though nothing even remotely interesting happens.

That night, the camp’s first dance takes place, and a group of guys decide that Angela, the quiet creepy girl, would make for a good sex partner. As per usual, Angela only stares back at them with her wide doe eyes as the guys attempt their best sex questions.

“Yo, Angela? How come you’re so fucked up? What’s your problem?” asks one of the boys, only seriously, almost as if there’s a touch of concern in his voice. Cue Ricky, who punches the boy and is taken away by his camp counselor. This allows time for Paul to sidle on up to Angela and try to make friends. Paul throws out all his best camp material of shenanigans past—hiking panties up the flag pole and locking kids outside naked—but there seems to be no effect; that is until Paul’s cabin is ordered to bed.

“Goodnight!” Angela calls to Paul as he leaves, and then instantly clams up, knowing she has betrayed her creepy, quiet image.

In only the light of the moon, BOY # 1 and another counselor, Leslie, take a canoe ride out into the lake. BOY # 1, whose charm is matched only by his non-charm, flips the boat and causes Leslie to angrily swim to shore. Despite this, BOY # 1 swims under the over-turned boat and hangs out in his own little amplified world. He sings to himself for a bit, calls for Leslie, and then is very easily drowned by a phantom figure that surfaces under the boat with him, his last words being, “I bet all the boys would be happy to see you!”

Gasp…was it BATMAN??

His body is discovered the next morning.

And despite his death, the camp…remains open.

"Say Angela, how was Paul Blart: Mall Cop?"

Paul once again sidles on up next to Angela to lay down some slick moves, and Angela finds herself very receptive. They make a date to see a movie that night in the rec hall, as Judy casts daggers towards them from her place in the volleyball court.

“How come Angela gets to talk to boys all day while WE have to play volley ball?” she drones.

Meg, desperate for acceptance, steps onscreen next to her.

“Doesn’t seem fair, does it?” she agrees.

Meg goes and chases off Paul and then disciplines Angela for showing signs of life.

That night after the movie, Paul escorts Angela back to her cabin, holding her hand.

Aww.

And once more, Ricky tries to convince Judy that his twelve-year-old peener is worth it, and is again shut out.

However, Paul is getting some serious action with Angela, having snuck not one but two quick pecks…ON HER FACE!

The next day, Angela sits by the lake, waiting for something to happen.

It does.

Paul.

“Guess who!” he calls out, covering her eyes.

“Burt Reynolds!” she amusingly shouts out.

God, if only.

Once again, Meg shows up to make things angry and annoying, and having finally gotten sick of Angela’s silent treatment, starts to thrash and push her until Ronnie intervenes.

Back in the girls’ cabin, Judy turns the cunt up to eleven, demanding to know why Angela doesn’t shower with the rest of the girls and if she’s a lesbian. She starts to freak out and is delivered a swift punch from Susie, fresh from her narcotics hangover.

Outside, Angela is hit by a water balloon by a rooftop full of shouting boys. Ricky really freaks the fuck out and screams idle threats at the boys as Paul helps Angela up. The scene ends with Ricky looking angry and Paul staring at Angela, trying his best not to smile until the director calls cut. It doesn’t really work.

Way to leave that in, director.

In one of the most absurd deaths in the film, one of the balloon-tossers, Billy, settles down to take a fine shit, and with a quick slash of the screen behind him, a beehive on a stick is shook above his head, emptying out the angry bee residents.

Boy, bees go right for the face, don’t they?
And despite his death, the camp…remains open.

"Uh oh, kids! Let's not bother Jimmy! He looks bzzzzzzzzzy!"

Paul and Angela go for a late-night rendezvous, and when Paul goes in for another kiss and a boob touch, Angela has a sudden flashback of her and Peter, mere giggling tots, spying on Angela’s gay father and his lover snuggling in bed.

The flashback ends with Peter pointing dumbly at Angela on a bed, as the camera slowly spins around them.

What does this mean?

Who knows?

Even after watching the twist ending AND the commentary, it still doesn’t make sense.

Paul grows frustrated by Angela’s lack of sex drive, and ends up in the arms of hairy Judy, which, of course, Angela sees.

Paul catches up to Angela at the lake and tries to make amends, but Judy again shows up and acts the cunt.

Paul leaves just before Judy and Meg throw Angela in the water, which of course results in evil glares from both Angela and Ricky.

Angela is creepy, quiet, and seems to have been victimized by all those dead.

Ricky is fiercely protective of Angela to the point of brimming with rage.

Who could the killer be?

Not much longer now.

Bitch Meg, a reasonably attractive girl, leaves to unrealistically go on a date with Mel, the camp director, who looks like three kinds of 80 years old.

As she attempts to shower off the grime that accumulates from being a huge asshole, she is stabbed through the shower curtain by an unseen foe. The killer then makes sure to shut off the water, because he is actually Al Gore.

Meanwhile, the social is taking place, and Paul takes this opportunity to again apologize. Angela tells him to meet her at the lake after the social. Paul’s eyes bug open wide with crazy glee as he barely contains his erection.

Angela leaves to do whatever it is that she does off-screen when she’s not staring and not speaking.

Could it be drowning?

Stabbing?

Shaking bees?

Not much longer now.

Mel, having gone looking for and finding Meg’s body (“Oh my God, not you, Meg”), is convinced that Ricky is the killer. “He’ll never get away from me again!” he vows, and takes one more peek at Meg’s mangled corpse before leaving.

Finally, Judy finds herself keeping her date with the killer that she didn’t know she had. A swift punch to her horse face results in making her weepy and disoriented, so the killer can forcibly insert Judy’s scalding-hot curling iron into her…well…fleshy area that’s normally for wangs. Talk about a hot vagina! (Sorry.)

Mel catches up with Ricky, unbeknownst of the current goings-on, and promptly beats him to a pulp in a fit of fury and old man confusion. Realizing what he’s done, he tries to make a break for it, but then this happens:

"I'm going to stop the killer and save the day!"

Paul paces nervously by the lake, awaiting his lady. Angela shows up and says she wants to go swimming, and tells Paul to take off his clothes. He happily obliges.

A group of counselors, having discovered a group of massacred bodies at a camping site, set out with flashlights to find the killer.

One by one, the bodies are discovered, and the counselors try to round everyone up… about a week too late.

Ronnie and Susie hear soft humming coming from the lake shore, and upon closer inspection, they see Paul’s head resting in Angela’s lap.

As they step closer and closer, we suffer another flashback to Ricky’s insane mother talking to a small child with a heavily-bandaged head. She talks a mile minute, but all you need to know is that the bandaged child we see is actually a boy that crazy mom raises as a girl.

And continue scene.

Angela jumps to her feet as Paul’s head, which we now see is severed, rolling around at her feet.

The camera pulls back to reveal Angela’s hairy, mutant body, complete with a hairy, mutant dingle thing. She makes a creepy face, makes a creepy noise, and gives me the creepy creeps.

For Halloween, Angela came dressed up
as The Indian in the Cupboard That Has the Cock.

“She’s a boy,” Ronnie shouts, just in case there is someone out there in the audience that is unable to equate cocks with boys.

Sleepaway Camp: Come for the deaths, stay for the hairy, penis-speckled mutant body.

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