Feb 2, 2013

SHITTY FLICKS: DEEP BLOOD aka SHARKS

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant camp-girl penis.

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.


The sun is setting. The tide is creeping closer to the beach. A random Native American appears in the distance and slowly approaches a group of prepubescent boys who are playing with their weenies and smiling at each other.

This is terror.

This is the macabre.

This is Deep Blood.

Random Native American forces the boys to prick themselves in their tiny fingers and vow some sort of nondescript vow; a blood pact to be made sacred by this most holy of Injuns.

"Serenity now!"

The boys oblige, fearing this fellow with the crazy feathers, and soon...we fade to: Some Sort of Town, USA; true beauty lies within!

Or does it?

Nearby, lurking in the ocean, is the most terrifying stock footage of a shark that's ever graced the screen. Legend has it that this shark is the incarnation of an angry Native American Chief formerly known as Jerks Off And Screams who used to live in the ocean, breathe through his gills, and chase Richard Dreyfuss.

Years after the pricking, Miki, a very bad-acting teen, is accosted by the sweaty town sheriff for shooting a harpoon into the local bully's truck. Mikki's buddy, John, nervously looks on without having much to do, just like every single person in the film. The scene goes on a bit too long, but ends with the teen laughing with the sweaty sheriff, setting the tone of the film in that not much will make sense.

They later meet up with the cast of "Saved by the Bell" at the local eatery. They continue their trend of fending off verbal attacks by Spicoli, the aforementioned bully, who drinks canned soda and snarls.

Our boyfriends later fish for lobster, which appears easier than we all know it is. Miki remains on the dock while his counterpart splashes around in the ocean. Suddenly, a black dorsal fin (which come only with the breed of sharks inhabited by ghosts) cuts the surface and disappears. Then, John dies in a cloud of bloodless and sharkless water. Miki sorta reacts in horror, then runs to tell Sheriff Sweats all about it. However, Sheriff Sweats doesn't much care for tomfoolery in his town, and when Miki grows angered by his disbelief, the sheriff orders a random police officer to, "Write him a ticket right now!"

A ticket for what? Who knows? Jesus—this movie blows.

Finally, Sheriff Wet Face believes Miki's story and reveals the boy's encounter to the victim's father, Man With Hose, in a far shot filled with swelling sad music. Man With Hose, recognizing the emotional power of this scene, acts accordingly, barely nodding a few times to the news of his son's out-of-focus death. Then he goes back to hosing, not that upset.

From here until the end, the movie escalates into a high emotional caliber not seen since the days of yore in which Men Without Hats would perform live shows with smoke and lasers.

"I just think it's kind of fucked up that I wasn't even
invited, considering I supported your stupid gay wedding
from the beginning."

Ala better killer shark movies, a shark is caught and everyone's fear is put to rest. But the super duper annoying Miki knows the truth, and descends to a rich fancy-schmancy party for the mayor to find his good friend Solid Ron, aka The Mayor Jr.

Miki convinces him and an equally traitless friend to help him kill the shark. He forces them to remember the vow Creepy Native American made them take, and together, they storm the beach of Some Sort of Town, USA, and unearth artifacts which they buried six years ago during the blood letting oath. Luckily, no one ever trampled upon that part of the beach, nor did the tide ever come up that far, nor did wind ever blow, nor did anything else ever happen that would cause the artifacts that were buried a whopping three inches below soft beach sand to unearth and disappear.

Solid Ron "disses" his girlfriend of three days in order to attend to the ocean with his ugly boyfriends to kill the shark that mutilated his friend. Solid Ron's girlfriend, being a girl, finds a way to make it all about her and she walks away, muttering.

Spicoli the bully decides to stop being the bully who hits our characters and starts being the friend who knows of a random shack that houses a lot of dynamite, so the boys easily enter the shack that houses a lot of dynamite, and together take so much dynamite that you start questioning if you're watching a Merry Melodies cartoon.

"What'll it be, stud? Call of Duty, or tickling the three of us?"

Once at the designated spot in the ocean, the kids dive and spend 20-25 minutes swimming around, holding sticks of dynamite and realizing this movie was way too short.

A theory is concocted that sharks possessed by insane Native American spirits love hanging around sunken crafts, so once their trusty blinky explodey cubes are in place within said sunken craft, the boys spend a bit more time swimming around and checking their watches.

Then they all climb back on board their boat and stare at each other.

Oh shit, it looks like one of the detonators isn't working, so of course one of the kids has to dive down there to see what the hubbub is. He fixes said detonator and is threatened by the shark, which chases the kid in and out of nooks and crannies in the sunken craft. The kid makes it out of there and the explosives are detonated and somehow blows only the shark's head off while magically leaving the rest of its body intact.

The boys joyously celebrate their kill as off-screen crew members literally throw buckets of water on them.

Miki, Spicoli, Solid Ron, and other random characters walk off the boat and down the dock, arms-over-shoulders, knowing that they have rid yet another Native American from their sleepy peaceful town, much like their forefathers before them. Then they laugh.

Fun Facts About Deep Blood:

  • Based on memoirs written by Jim Morrison.
  • According to the credits, Mitzi McCall played Ben's “mather”.
  • Chunks of this film were stolen by “filmmaker” Bruno Mattei for his magnum opus Cruel Jaws.
  • The director of this film, Joe Damato, has 60 aliases. Among the best names are Arizona Massachusetts, Hugo Clevers, and Sarah Asproon.
  • Joe Damato managed to direct two films after his death in 1999, one of those films being Hercules: A Sex Adventure.

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